a long time before. He chattered away about this and that, and I did my best to ignore him.
But eventually I was hungry and figured I at least deserved a break to have part of one of my sandwiches and maybe some chips. The cookies I’d save for later as a treat to celebrate when I found my very own boxcar. I wasn’t thirsty yet, so the juice could wait.
I went off the side of the road, through a ditch, and found a nice big tree to sit under. Big Eddie followed me and stood next to me while I dug around my bag until I found the lunch sack. I pulled out one of the cheese and mustard sandwiches and was about to take a bite when I remembered they were his favorite too. I felt bad, knowing that since we’d walked so far, he must be hungry like I was. I only warred with myself for a moment before I said, “You want part of my sandwich?”
He nodded and sat down next to me, putting his back against the tree trunk as I tore the sandwich in half. I handed his half over to him, and he thanked me quietly. And then I figured you can’t have mustard and cheese sandwiches without barbeque Bugles, so I gave him some of those too. And that led to Fig Newtons, because you needed dessert after a big meal. And that led to juice because the cookies coated our throats and we were thirsty.
Eventually, my head started to bob. I was tired because it was almost eleven o’clock, according to my Star Wars watch. I’d hoped to at least make it to Canada by morning since it was so close on the map I’d looked at before leaving.
And somehow, I found myself in my father’s lap, my head pressed against his chest, mumbling that I was running away, that I was mad at him and didn’t want to live with him anymore. But he was so big and warm I couldn’t fight the waves of sleep washing over me much more and figured I would rest until morning and then start out again.
“I’m sorry,” he said, when I was almost asleep.
“For what?” I asked drowsily, because I’d already forgotten.
“For making you mad.”
“Oh. That’s okay.”
He kissed my forehead. “Do you still want to run away?”
I shrugged.
“Well, if you do, can I go with you?”
This surprised me. “Why?”
“Because I’d be sad if you were gone forever.”
“Oh. Okay. You can come.” I paused, thinking. “What about Mom?” He sighed dramatically. “Oh, I forgot about her! Well, we just can’t leave her,
can we. That wouldn’t be fair.”
“Maybe we should just stay at the house,” I said wisely. “All our stuff is there
already and it might just be easier.”
He hugged me tighter. “That’s a great idea,” he said. “I’m glad you thought of
it.”
“Would you have really been sad?” I asked, snuggling back down onto him. “If
I’d been gone?”
“Yes,” he whispered as sleep began to chase me. “I’d have been very sad. If we
were ever apart, I’d miss you every day until we were together again.” “Because you’re my daddy?”
“Because I’m your daddy.”
I considered this sleepily and came to the only conclusion I could. “I guess you
love me, huh?”
“Oh yes. Very much so.”
“Why?”
He was silent for a moment. Then he said, “Because there is no one such as you
in the world, and you belong to me. I’ll believe in you always because you are my
son. You’re going to be strong and brave, and one day, you’re going to be a great
man and you will stand for what you believe in. I have faith that you will stand and
be true.”
I didn’t understand, but then I was asleep, so it didn’t matter. I was safe against
Big Eddie.
I woke briefly, later in the night, to my father carrying me back up the road, my
backpack slung over one of his big arms, my head on his shoulder, his hand on my
back, rubbing in slow circles as he sang a familiar song. “Sometimes I float along the
river, for to its surface I am bound. And there are times stones done fill my pockets,
oh Lord, and it's into this river I drown.”
He carried me all the way home, and I knew it would all be okay because my
father held me in his arms.
Griggs points the rifle at me. The river roars at my back. The heels of my feet
are on the river’s edge. The rain pours from the sky.