know what true pain feels like. I am young and alive and ready to face anything the world throws at me. I don’t have a goddamn care in the world. Nothing can touch me. Nothing can hurt us. As long as I have this man by my side, as long as I can look the four women and one man who wait for us in Big House straight in the eye and tell them everything I’m feeling, then nothing else matters. It’s a lovely thought, deceptive though it might be.
Nina waits for us on the porch. She stands as we approach her, looking almost shy. “Do you like my new dress?” she asks, twirling around. “It was blue so I thought of Blue.” And it is, a dark-blue sundress that reminds me of his wings. It has little ruffles on the shoulders and white flowers sewn into the fabric. “Mary helped me pick it out.”
Cal lets go of my hand and stands in front of Nina, then bends over until they are face to face. “It’s the prettiest dress in the world,” he tells her seriously. “And you look very beautiful, little one. But then you always have.”
She giggles as she blushes, throwing her arms around his neck and kissing his cheek. I should have known she would be perceptive to the changes in him, that she could see things no one else would. She stiffens against him and her eyes go wide. “How?” she whispers as she stares at me. “What did you do?”
Wow. It sure is bright today.
The stars?
Oh, no.
The moon?
Bless the moon, but no. What did you do today?
I was at work, Nina. You know that. At the store.
No, Benji. What did you do?
I wait, feeling uneasy.
She pulls from his embrace and looks up at him. I can’t see his face, but his posture is tense. “Things are different,” Nina says as she squints, as if trying to physically see just what she felt. For all I know, maybe she can.
“It’s not a bad thing,” I hear Cal say in a low voice.
“But you hurt,” she says, her lip quivering. “You ache in the haze of your mind. The pieces are shattered and you’re trying to put them back together. Why do you want to remember so bad? Aren’t you happy here? Can’t you just live for now instead of then?” Her gaze flickers over to me as she says this last, and I have to look away.
“Because,” he whispers as his shoulders slump, “I have to know what happened. I have to know what I did. I have to find out what I can do to make things right. This is my test, I think.”
I start forward, wanting to wrap myself around him, to take him away from here back to the moment where nothing could touch us and none of this stuff mattered. But I stop as Nina speaks again. “If you did do something wrong, could you forgive yourself?”
“I am more worried about others forgiving me.”
“Your Father?”
He sighs. “Among others.” The intent of his words isn’t lost on me.
“We make mistakes,” Nina says kindly. “It’s a part of who we are.”
Cal starts to tense again. “I am not one of you,” he says bitterly.
“You are more of who we are than what you used to be,” I say, finding my voice. “If you won’t go back, then we’ll find some way to fix this, I promise you.” I say this fiercely, as if I can make him believe with words alone. There’s much I feel I have to say to him, but I can’t find the right words.
“Sure, Benji,” he says, smiling weakly at me. He looks like he doesn’t believe me in the slightest, but he holds out his hand to me anyway. I don’t hesitate.
“Remember what you’re here for, Blue,” Nina says, looking at our joined hands. “If this is a test, I think you may be doing it right.”
“Cross your heart?” Cal asks.
She doesn’t hesitate and my heart skips a beat. “Hope to die.”
“Stick a thousand needles in your eye,” I finish.
“Thank you, little one,” he says, holding out his other hand. She laughs quietly to herself and takes it, her hands so little in his.
“I like your tie,” I hear her whisper as we walk up the stairs. “Very handsome.”
“I bought it for Benji,” he whispers back. “I made some money from Benji working at the store and wanted to look nice for him.”