and daughters would probably shudder at the idea of admitting it out loud, and maybe they’re right. But I’m not normal. I never have been. I was the nerd. The geek. The weirdo. I had friends, sure, but no one close. No one like my father. No one I felt like I could tell everything to, even the greatest secret I carried with me for months before I finally broke down and told him one day toward the end of building Little House. Toward the end of his life. Even that I could not keep from him.
“Spit it out,” he growled at me when I handed him the wrong-sized nail.
“What?” I asked, my eyes wide.
“Something’s been on your mind for weeks, Benji,” Big Eddie said, pulling himself to his full height. It might have been intimidating to most, and usually it wasn’t for me (he was my dad), but I couldn’t look up into his eyes.
“Oh,” I said, shuffling my feet. “That.”
He dropped a big hand on my head and ruffled my hair before sliding his hand to my chin and gripping it gently, pulling up until my gaze was locked onto his. “What do men do when they have important business to discuss?”
“They look each other in the eye,” I whisper out loud, pulling into the driveway,
almost home and lost in memory. “They look each other in the eye because it shows respect.” I barely acknowledge the blue flash that skates off somewhere to my right in the dark.
“That’s right,” my father said, dropping his grip from my chin, then putting his
hand on my shoulder and squeezing gently. “And I respect you, and you respect me, right?”
“Right,” I said, never turning my gaze away.
“Now, what’s going on, son? It isn’t like you to keep things from me. Not for this long.”
“I’m scared.”
His eyes widened. “Of me?”
I shook my head. Then shrugged. I didn’t know which was true.
“Benji, what on earth would make you scared of me?”
“I don’t know,” I said, my voice cracking. Still, I couldn’t look away. “Did you break the law?”
“No, sir.”
“Did you hurt someone?”
“No, sir.”
“Did you hurt yourself?”
“No, sir.”
“Then why are you shaking?”
He blurred as my eyes burned. “Because I’m afraid you won’t look me in the eye anymore. That you won’t respect me.”
Big Eddie leaned over, so that our faces were only inches from each other. He studied me and I let him. “I will always look you in the eye,” he finally said. “I’ve raised you to be honest and kind. I’ve raised you to be brave and strong. If you can become the man I think you’ll be, then you and me will always be eye to eye. You get me?”
I nodded, because I did. “Deep breath,” he said, his hand still on my shoulder. I took in air. “Let it out,” he said. I did. “Now, tell me.”
“I think I might… be… you know. Gay. Or whatever.”
He cocked his head at me and squinted his eyes, which would have been funny under normal circumstances. But this was not normal. I couldn’t breathe. He tightened his grip on me. His nostrils flared. He dropped his hand and stood up straight, still looking me in the eye. I followed him as he went up. “You think?” he said, crossing his arms across his chest.
I shook my head. I knew what he was after. “I know,” I told him.
He nodded. And then, unbelievably, he laughed. “Jesus Christ, boy! Where the hell do you get off scaring me like that!”
My heart sunk. He doesn’t believe me, I thought. That hurt worse than any kind of fury from him could have.
“I thought you were going to tell me something really bad!” He laughed harder, slapping his hand against his thigh. He caught my eye again and something passed then between us, and he must have felt my fear, my pain. His laughter bled to chuckles and he wiped his eyes and leaned down before me again, putting his hand back on my shoulder.
“You sure?” he asked, a small smile on his face.
I nodded, tears on my cheeks.
“Benji, do you know me?”
“Sir?”
“Do you know who I am?”
“You’re Big Eddie,” I said.
“And?”
“You’re my dad,” I say in the cab of the blue Ford as I approach Big House.
I’m lost in years and it’s like my father is next to me.
Big Eddie nodded. “You’re damn right I am. So you should know by now
that I don’t give a rat’s ass if you’re gay or straight or one of those tranny