the same shit hole Carlo had left me in.” She pointed a finger at my chest. “And you were the one who talked me out of it.”
“Yeah, well, that’s you. This is me. And me doesn’t get the fairytale happy ending with the wedding and the babies.”
“Why not?” Gemma reached for my hands, taking them in hers. “Look, I know Nathan hurt you. But I think somewhere along the way, it’s you who really did the damage. You’re the one who’s been pounding it into your own head for years that you’re this certain kind of girl, that you’re only good for sex and nothing more. But… do you really think that’s what Makoa thinks of you?”
My nose flared on my next breath. “I don’t know what he thinks of me, because he’s a liar.”
“Well, so are you, after that statement. You know damn well what he thinks of you, how he feels about you, and you’re being a stubborn fool trying to push all that aside just because he lied to you about his job.”
I pulled my hands from hers, crossing my arms. “Can we just get back to Queer Eye and your bachelorette party, please?”
“In a minute, yes, but right now, you’re going to talk to me.” She shook her head. “Belle, why are you pushing him away right now?”
My eyes found the ceiling, and I forced a breath to ward off the impending tears building. “He lied to me, Gem. Okay?” I looked at her then. “And now, I don’t trust him anymore.”
“You don’t trust him,” she deadpanned. “Really?”
I swallowed but didn’t answer.
“You know what I think?” she asked, and she didn’t wait to hear if I wanted to know or not before she continued. “I think you’re scared. I think you’ve been scared, ever since the moment he didn’t try to get in your pants the first night you went out. You’ve known since the first day you met him that he was different, but you’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop. You’ve been waiting for him to do anything wrong so you could point your finger at him and go ah-ha! I knew it!” Gemma shook her head. “You didn’t want him to prove you wrong. You wanted him to prove you right. You wanted him to let you down so you could hold your chin high and say you were right about him and every other guy, and the fact that you’re not meant to be happy with someone.”
Her words felt like fists around my rib cage, each one tightening the grip more.
“And you know what else? I don’t think you really give a rat’s ass that he lied to you about what he does for a living. I don’t think it changes who he is at all in your mind, except that maybe he’s even more attractive now.” She frowned. “But it’s easier to be mad. It’s easier to say now I have a reason to walk away before this gets even more serious.”
I tore my gaze from hers, looking at the television, though I couldn’t focus on a thing that was happening on it. Her words played on repeat in my mind, and the truth of them cut me like a dull, rusty knife.
“Just a couple years ago, three floors down from where we are now, you called me out on my bullshit. You forced me to stop trying to mask what I was feeling by cleaning my apartment, or working, or whatever else, and really face the truth. And that truth was that I was scared. No,” she said quickly. “I was fucking terrified of loving Zach, of being loved by him in return. And you know what you said to me?”
I rolled my lips together, eyes blurring with tears again.
“You said, he’s not Carlo, Gemma. You said that the way he looked at me, the way he cared for me and fought for me, that it was rare. You said that if you were in my shoes, you would chase that boy.” She chuckled, though it was anything but funny. “Well, guess what, baby girl? You’re wearing the damn shoes right now. And I’m not letting you back out on your word.”
I covered my face with both hands just as the first tears broke free, and it didn’t matter how I tried to fight against the emotion, I couldn’t help but succumb to it.
Gemma rubbed my back, crawling over to take me in her arms. “It’s scary. I