and work, oddly.” I shook my head. “And he’s been at this work conference… what if he hooked up with someone in his field or something? And he’s with her now, and that’s why I haven’t heard from him very much? And maybe that’s why we haven’t talked much about his job, or his exes. Like… really, what conference do you know that lasts almost three weeks and takes up nearly every second of every day?”
All my insecurities rushed to the surface as soon as I opened the nozzle, the little droplets of buts and ifs rushing through and shoving each other out of the way in their desperation to be heard. My stomach catapulted, and I wrapped my arms around it, regretting that I was talking about the very thing I’d been trying to avoid.
“Oddly, I do get it,” Gemma said after a minute. “Don’t you remember how messed up I was after Carlo? I didn’t want to give Zach a chance, even when he proved he deserved one. Even when I was so into him I couldn’t see anyone but him.” She shrugged. “I think that’s our natural instinct. It’s self-preservation, to be skeptical and cautious after being burned.”
I sighed.
“But,” she continued. “Here’s the thing. All of that you just said? It’s projection. You don’t know any of that for sure. What’s happening is that you’re scared, and so your brain is in overdrive, trying to think of the worst-case scenarios so you’ll believe it and throw in the towel and go back to the safety of not being at Makoa’s mercy. Better to be the one to break things off and cause the pain than be on the receiving end of it, right?”
I deflated at the realization. “Self-sabotage at its finest.”
“Mm-hmm.” Gemma tossed another handful of popcorn in her mouth before she abandoned the bag and crawled toward me. Her petite arms wrapped around mine, and she rested her head on my shoulder, making a shelf for me to lean my head, too. “I wish I could tell you that there is absolutely zero chance of it not working out. But that chance is always there. It was there with me and Carlo, even after we got married. It’s there with me and Zach, even though we’re head over heels for each other right now. Love is scary that way, because at any moment, one person could change their mind and end it all.”
“This is a terrible pep talk.”
She laughed. “What I’m saying is, that niggling in your belly that’s freaking you out?” She leaned up, looking at me. “It’s trust.”
I swallowed.
“You trust him, Belle. And that’s a really, really good sign.”
“The last time I trusted someone—”
“I know,” she said, cutting me off. “But this isn’t last time. This is this time. And you’ve got to let go of the what ifs. Maybe Makoa is keeping some stuff from you right now. Maybe he’s been hurt, just like you. Maybe it’s going to take some time. But don’t judge him based off what you don’t know about him. Judge him by what you do know.”
My heart squeezed, and Gemma pulled all the way back, sitting in front of me. She held up her hand, fingers splayed. “Tell me five things you know.”
I chuckled. “This is silly.”
“Indulge me,” she said, wiggling her fingers.
“Well… he’s kind,” I started, and Gemma smiled, knocking down one finger. “He’s goofy as hell. He makes me laugh. He makes me feel safe.” I smiled, looking down at the floor as my words carried me away. “He cares about my job. He didn’t judge me when I told him about my past. He loves his family. He’s a Broadway nerd like me, and he’s terrible at trivia, but I find it adorable that he thinks he’s so great. He’s an awful cook, too, but I love that he wants to cook for us. For me. He trusts me with his condo, with everything in the design. He gives me room to be creative. He makes an effort with my friends, and the funny thing is that he doesn’t even have to because he’s him.” I bit my lip. “And he has, quite possibly, the most perfect cock to ever be sculpted by the dick gods.”
Gemma snorted a laugh. “I don’t think the dick gods are a thing.”
“Sure, they are,” I argued, frowning when I met her gaze. “There are pussy gods, too. I thank them every day for this tight little slip and slide.”