"It'll pass. You'll get more used to it, once you settle back into your old self." That was a guess on her part, but one she felt confident of.
He inclined his head toward the gathered guardians. "They don't think so."
"They will," she said adamantly. "We just need more time." A small silence fell, and Lissa hesitated before speaking her next words. "Rose... wants to see you."
Dimitri's dreamy, morose attitude snapped in a heartbeat. His eyes focused back on Lissa, and I got my first glimpse of true, intense emotion from him. "No. Anyone but her. I can't see her. Don't let her come here. Please."
Lissa swallowed, unsure how to respond. The fact that she had an audience made it harder. The best she could do was lower her voice so the others wouldn't hear. "But... she loves you. She's worried about you. What happened... with us being able to save you? Well, a lot of it was because of her."
"You saved me."
"I only did the final piece. The rest... well, Rose did, um, a lot." Say, like, organizing a prison break and releasing fugitives.
Dimitri turned from Lissa, and the fire that had briefly lit his features faded. He walked over to the side of the cell and leaned against the wall. He closed his eyes for a few seconds, took a deep breath, and then opened them.
"Anyone but her," he repeated. "Not after what I did to her. I did a lot of things... horrible things." He turned his hands palm-up and stared at them for a moment, like he could see blood. "What I did to her was worst of all--especially because it was her. She came to save me from that state, and I..." He shook his head. "I did terrible things to her. Terrible things to others. I can't face her after that. What I did was unforgivable."
"It's not," said Lissa urgently. "It wasn't you. Not really. She'll forgive you."
"No. There's no forgiveness for me--not after what I did. I don't deserve her, don't deserve to even be around her. The only thing I can do..." He walked back over to Lissa, and to the astonishment of both of us, he fell to his knees before her. "The only thing I can do--the only redemption I can try for--is to pay you back for saving me."
"Dimitri," she began uneasily, "I told you--"
"I felt that power. In that moment, I felt you bring my soul back. I felt you heal it. That's a debt I can't ever repay, but I swear I'll spend the rest of my life trying." He was looking up at her, that enraptured look back on his face.
"I don't want that. There's nothing to repay."
"There's everything to pay," he argued. "I owe you my life--my soul. It's the only way I can come close to ever redeeming myself for all the things I did. It's still not enough... but it's all I can do." He clasped his hands. "I swear, whatever you need, anything--if it's in my power--I'll do it. I'll serve and protect you for the rest of my life. I'll do whatever you ask. You have my loyalty forever."
Again, Lissa started to say she didn't want that, but then a canny thought came to mind. "Will you see Rose?"
He grimaced. "Anything but that."
"Dimitri--"
"Please. I'll do anything else for you, but if I see her... it'll hurt too much."
That was probably the only reason that could have made Lissa drop the subject. That and the desperate, dejected look on Dimitri's face. It was one she had never seen before, one I'd never seen before either. He'd always been so invincible in my eyes, and this sign of vulnerability didn't make him seem weaker to me. It simply made him more complex. It made me love him more--and want to help him.
Lissa could only give him a small nod as answer before one of the guardians in charge said she had to leave. Dimitri was still on his knees as they escorted her out, staring after her with an expression that said she was the closest to any hope he had left in this world.
My heart twisted with both sorrow and jealousy--and a bit of anger too. I was the one he should have looked at that way. How dare he? How dare he act like Lissa was the greatest thing in the world? She'd done a lot to save him, true, but I was the one who'd traveled around the globe for him. I was the one who had continually risked my life for him. Most importantly, I was the one who loved him. How could he turn his back on that?
Both Lissa and I were confused and upset as she left the building. Both of us were distraught over Dimitri's state. Despite how angry I was over his refusal to see me, I still felt horrible at seeing him so low. It killed me. He'd never acted that way before. After the Academy's attack, he had certainly been sad and had grieved over that loss. This was a different kind of despair. It was a deep sense of depression and guilt that he didn't feel he could escape from. Both Lissa and I were shocked by that. Dimitri had always been a man of action, someone ready to get up after a tragedy and fight the next battle.
But this? This was unlike anything we'd ever seen in him, and Lissa and I had wildly varying ideas on how to solve it. Her gentler, sympathetic approach was to keep talking to him while also calmly persuading Court officials that Dimitri was no longer a threat. My solution to this problem was to go to Dimitri, no matter what he claimed he wanted. I'd busted in and out of a prison. Getting into a jail cell should be cake. I was still certain that once he saw me, he'd have a change of heart about all this redemption stuff. How could he truly think I wouldn't forgive him? I loved him. I understood. And as far as convincing officials that he wasn't dangerous... well, my method there was a little fuzzy still, but I had a feeling it would involve a lot of yelling and beating on doors.
Lissa knew perfectly well that I had observed her encounter with Dimitri, so she didn't feel obligated to come see me, not when she knew they could still use her over at the medical center. She'd heard Adrian had nearly collapsed with all the magic he'd wielded to help others. It seemed so uncharacteristic of him, so unselfish... he'd done amazing deeds, at great cost to himself.
Adrian.
There was a problem. I hadn't had a chance to see him since getting back after the warehouse fight. And aside from hearing about him healing others, I really hadn't thought about him at all. I'd said that if Dimitri really could be saved, it didn't mean the end of Adrian and me. Yet, Dimitri had barely been back twenty-four hours, and here I was, already obsessing ov--
"Lissa?"
Despite the fact that I'd pulled back to my own mind, part of me was still absentmindedly following along with Lissa. Christian was standing outside the medical center, leaning against its wall. From his posture, it appeared as though he'd been there for a while waiting for something--or rather, someone.
She came to a halt, and inexplicably, all thoughts of Dimitri vanished from her mind. Oh, come on. I wanted those two to patch things up, but we had no time for this. Dimitri's fate was a lot more important than bantering with Christian.