general for a few hours. The general message seemed to be that I can’t blame lack of affection and attention from my parents for screwing up everything for the rest of my life. My bad choices caused this situation.”
“I see.”
“So I need to accept and let go of the fact that Mom spent most of my childhood being too busy to deal with me and Dad wasn’t any better. Did I ever tell you about the time he forgot I was visiting and went on holiday without me?” he asks. “Guess you could say I haven’t had many positive adult or relationship examples in my life. Not that it’s an excuse. I shouldn’t have lied to you.”
“No, you shouldn’t have,” I say.
“Shitty parents messing up your life only works so long, then you’ve got to sort your own self out. I think that’s what’s called being an adult.”
“True.”
“You were right when you said we would have been fine if I’d just let us be,” he admits.
My throat is dry all of a sudden. Stupid emotions. “I was never there for the diamond watches or luxury vehicles, Beck. I was there for you.”
“I know that now.”
“Not that they weren’t fun, but they were never necessary. Being with you, having your attention, working through what was between us and building something for the future, that’s what matters to me.”
“I hear you.” He nods. “I’ve never been in love before. I’ve never loved someone like I love you. Again, not an excuse. But I’m hoping when you’ve had a chance to think it over, you will see it as a reason to maybe give us another chance.”
My frown feels mighty indeed and my head is abuzz. So many feelings and thoughts spinning around and around. “You know, I’ve never been good at saying the right thing or doing the right thing or managing to exist correctly, apparently. Except with you.”
His gaze is so sad. “I’m sorry, beloved. I’m so fucking sorry.”
All I can do is stare. A chunk of his hair has flopped over his forehead and his gaze is all tense. The need to throw myself at him is immense. To just be done with all of this division.
“How do I trust you?” I ask.
“I don’t know.” He blinks. “I can keep on apologizing and promise that I’ll never lie to you about anything ever again, but…I don’t know exactly how we get past this and I fucking hate that because it’s all on me.”
My throat is all tight, my eyes itchy. Emotional upheaval is an unrelenting bitch.
“Though, just briefly going back to the sex thing. I’ve been giving it some thought and I think I was wrong to make us wait. I underrated the importance of physical intimacy.”
“Oh?”
“You quit your job, moved states, and started a whole new life for me. And in return, I did not have your back in the way I should have,” he says. “There was always family and business shit distracting me. I failed to support and fuck you like a good boyfriend would have in the same situation.”
I think it over. “Okay.”
“That’s all you’ve got to say?”
“What do you want me to say?”
“That you love me too and we can get back together now would be nice.”
“And then there’s the whole trust issue still, Beck.”
“If you think I’m ever going to lie or mislead you again, you’re wrong,” he says, tone emphatic. “I just spent the worst twenty-four or so hours of my life trying to figure out how I could have been stupid enough to mess things up in the first place.”
I sigh. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Keep me telling me that. I need it.” His jaw does the rigid thing and for a moment he turns away. When he looks back at me, there’s a fire, a passion in his eyes that burns right through me. I am ash. And he is still everything. “You have no idea how fucking grateful I am for it, for you still being here even after I hurt you and messed things up. Because maybe, just maybe, it means you’re as crazy about me as I am about you. And if that’s the case, then we’re definitely going to get through this.”
I hang my head. Now my damn throat is tight and sore.
“Beloved?”
“Don’t call me that.”
“Wife?” he asks softly.
“Don’t call me that either.” My nose is not running. There’s just something awkward going on in there. I rub it with the back of my hand like a four-year-old