“You have a mother who loves you beyond anything. She gave you the best and even then wanted to give you more.” Jennings’s eyes shift to my face which must be frozen in shock. “I’m coming to realize she’s one of a kind.”
“Yeah, she is.” Kevin changes from little man to big boy by leaning over and giving me a quick kiss on the cheek. “Thanks, Mom.”
“There’s no need to thank me,” I protest.
“I’d disagree,” Jennings murmurs before shoving a large wedge of nachos into his mouth and letting out a small moan. “Christ, these are good.”
My head and my heart are currently in a fight with one another, so I decide to ignore them both by answering another organ that’s wading into the battle.
My stomach.
Taking my own bite, I’m not forced to answer him verbally. But sooner or later, Jennings is going to demand answers to the questions burning in the back of his eyes. Questions I’m just not ready to address for a second time in my life.
Jennings
I’m driving back to the B&B doing nothing but hearing her words replay over and over.
“Why, to make more money to put towards Kevin’s college…Jennings!”
“She wouldn’t have had to do that if I’d have been there,” I declare resolutely to no one but the cool air wafting through the car. But even as I say that, I wonder if anything will ever allow Kara to forget the man who forced those circumstances to become her reality.
The more time I spend around my son and his mother, the more I regret. Everything.
I always believed deep down I was unlovable because of the way my parents left, so I never gave my aunt and uncle a chance. Kara’s words from dinner the other night play over and over in my mind.
“It’s not you, Jennings. It’s me. And that’s not an excuse. Trust comes hard. And that’s hard for me as I get to know the man you are today. The man sitting across from me appears to be a good man.”
My life in Seattle is empty, save the business. I wonder if I did that deliberately so when it all abandoned me, I wouldn’t fall apart. Then I hear Kevin’s voice, his certainty.
“But you don’t mind if I say that, do you, Jennings? Mom said you talked about that.”
She’s right; I didn’t mind. It simply savaged me but not because my son had a role model like Dean Malone. Even if Kara had married and her husband had given him that, there’s no way I could resent Kevin having that influence. It devastates me it wasn’t me who gave him the tools to become a man. Someone else did. Why? “Can I accept the fact it wasn’t me?” I ask. My voice is filled with bitterness.
Pulling up, I park my car and just sit there while it idles. I choke out a sob as I spew aloud at Jed. “Are you laughing up there? Christ, I’m going insane. It’s killing me, Jed. You knew I’d fall in love with Kevin the minute I met him, and there’s no way I could hate you for keeping a promise to her. I don’t blame you; I never could. Kara doesn’t either in case you’re wondering. She freely admits that Kevin was likely going to ask soon. We all miss you so much.”
God, I’m reduced to talking to Jed while the pouring rain traps me in my car. I keep babbling. “I’m falling for Kara all over again. Did you plan on that too? I feel every wretched piece of me pulled to the surface when I’m with her. Is this what you wanted, you crazy fool? Yes, I get it. Her family was a piece of shit.” A crack of thunder rents the sky. I make a hiccupping, choked sound that tastes of the nachos I consumed earlier. “Okay. Other than your husband. She’s Kara, but she’s different. She’s warm and funny, but she’s still Owl buried beneath the fear. And how the hell can I resent her?” I’m breathing hard as I come to the state of forgiveness I needed to in my own heart. “I’m proud of her and so frustrated by her and wish I met Kevin sooner. And by the way, you dick? I want to kick your ass; how could you let her work for you?” I’m yelling in my car. If it wasn’t raining, people passing by would be getting a hell of a show, but I don’t