Restraint - Adriana Locke Page 0,92

like the blade is getting dug deeper and deeper into my soul.

I walk to the edge of the block and stop beneath a tree in an oversized box planter. It provides a little shade from the sun and acts like a blocker from the throngs of people.

Everyone except Holt.

“Stop running from me,” Holt says, standing in front of me again.

I refuse to look at him.

“I know I fucked up,” he begins but stops when I fire him a hard glare.

I put a hand on my hip. “I know you fucked up. I know that I could’ve been the best thing to ever happen to you. But you are too busy for that. So please, leave me alone.”

His face falls. “I deserve all of that. And I’ll stand here and listen to you berate me until you’ve said everything you need to say.”

“I don’t need to say anything to you.”

“Good. Then listen.” He shifts his weight. “I’m sorry, Blaire. This whole thing is my fault—all of it. I pursued you. I spoke to Oliver about you. I walked out and didn’t come back.” His voice breaks. “I left you when you needed me, and that’s the biggest mistake I’ve ever made.”

His face is riddled with pain. There are bags under his eyes, and his skin is pale.

I hate it. I hate that we have come to this.

“You hurt me,” I admit. “You broke my heart.”

“I know.”

“Do you know what it felt like to hear you tell Oliver that I required too much energy?”

His eyes light up. “That’s not what I said. That’s not what I meant.”

“Holt …”

“Hear me out.” He licks his lips. “I was telling him that you deserved so much more than I could give you. I didn’t know how … I didn’t know how to incorporate you into my life and guarantee you wouldn’t get hurt.”

“So you just hurt me outright instead? Genius move.”

“I didn’t know you were listening, or I would’ve been more careful.”

“But you walked out, and I was standing right in front of you.”

He takes a deep breath. His chest shakes as he inhales. “I promise you that I will never walk out on you again.”

“I know you won’t. Because I’m not there.”

He reaches for my hand, and I let him take it.

“Give me another chance,” he says. “Give me a chance because I don’t think we’ve ever had a real one.”

My heart pounds as I take in the sincerity in his face. I want to believe him. I want to go to concerts and have late night pizza and talk about law and contracts and construction projects at breakfast.

I want that. And I want him to want it too.

He rubs my knuckle with this thumb.

I look into his eyes.

My anger fades because I believe him. I don’t think he meant to hurt me. And while he walked out on me, I walked out on him too.

I sigh.

“You said something yesterday that has bothered me. Well, you said a lot of things that bothered me, but one thing more than the others,” he says.

“What?” I yell as a bus honks its horn as it goes by.

He closes the small distance between us. He allows his face to grow serious—totally sober—before he speaks.

My skin prickles with anticipation of what he’s about to say. It could be so many things.

“You told me you loved me,” he says quietly.

I hold my breath as I try to read him.

Those words did pass through my lips on accident. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t mean it. Because out of all the things I said yesterday, that’s the one I meant the most.

I love Holt Mason. That’s why it hurts so bad.

I might’ve said it yesterday in a fit of emotions, but I didn’t realize I truly meant it. It wasn’t until I was on that website last night and researching pain did I understand that what I felt for Holt was love.

That’s why I trusted him enough to open up to him. It’s why I was willing to put myself out there and ask him to be a part of my life—because I couldn’t imagine mine without him. It’s also why his rejection was pure devastation.

But love is more than an emotion that makes you feel like your head is spinning. It’s respect. It’s support. It’s wanting both of you to be victorious in all you do.

All of those things are why I didn’t fall into an abyss like I did with Jack. Because you can’t be in love without