Restraint - Adriana Locke Page 0,88

I’m going to be okay,” I say without any gumption behind it.

Oliver and Wade sit quietly—something that’s unusual for them. It makes a strange day even stranger having my brothers in a room with silence.

The truth is, I don’t even care. I lost all my fucks to give somewhere around two this morning.

I just don’t care.

I should. I want to care. I cared so much yesterday. I cared so fucking much that I left a woman who’s a damn unicorn —a woman unlike any other I’ll ever meet in my entire life—in my house crying.

I don’t know who I am anymore. I’ve lost touch with reality.

How did I get here? Why do I feel defeated?

Especially when I’m on the precipice of the biggest victory in Mason Ltd. history.

Wade checks his watch. “Look, we have a few minutes before we have to leave. You are going to have to pull your head out of your ass.”

Oliver sighs. “Come on, Wade. Have a little heart.”

“I have a heart,” he says. “I just don’t have room in it for someone to fuck up my future.”

“He’s our brother. He’s heartbroken.”

“I’m right fucking here,” I tell them both. “Damn.”

Wade places both feet on the floor. “I’m trying really hard here to have some empathy for your situation. However, I’m coming up shorthanded.”

“Shocker,” Oliver mutters.

Wade doesn’t look bothered. “I’m going to be quick about this and very cut-and-dry.”

“You just keep bringing the shockers, don’t ya?” Oliver asks.

Wade ignores him again. “This whole thing you have going on today is because of Blaire. Correct?”

“Well,” I say, “it is. But really, it’s more about—”

“A simple yes or no will suffice,” Wade deadpans.

I sit up, making myself appear as tall as I can.

“You know what? Maybe it doesn’t suffice,” I counter. “Maybe life isn’t black and white and yes and no and up and down and left and right. Maybe it’s fucking gray. Maybe it’s a decimal point. Maybe it’s a … tie game, and there is no overtime.”

That last bit doesn’t make a lot of sense. I just keep going so Wade doesn’t start picking at my analogies.

“The point is,” I continue, “that I can’t give you a simple yes or no because it’s not just because of Blaire. It’s because of … me.”

I don’t think I realized this until I said it.

But I’m right. It is about me.

In so many ways.

And not just that I caused the detonation of my relationship with Blaire or that I subconsciously pushed her away to save myself from having to face my truths.

This whole thing is about me and my fear of failure.

I know it. And as soon as I realize it, a weight lifts off my shoulders.

I’m afraid of failing my family and hurting our business. I’m terrified of failing a woman and being a shit companion. And I’m absolutely petrified of committing to Blaire and losing her.

Because out of all the things I’m most scared of, that’s the one I don’t think I’d survive.

“Why’d you let her go?” Wade asks. “And, yes, I know she left because Boone told me.”

“How the fuck did Boone know?”

“Larissa,” Wade says. “You can’t keep a secret in this family.”

Oliver leans forward. “I’d like to circle back to the reason you let her go. Because if she was staying at my house, she’d still be there. I guarantee you that.”

I glare at him. He laughs.

Fucker.

I ignore Oliver and turn to Wade.

“I don’t know how to balance it all,” I tell him. “I don’t know how to perform here and be what she needs too.”

Wade grins. “How very arrogant of you.”

“What? What do you mean?” I ask. “How can you even say that? I pushed her away to save her, Wade. Not out of arrogance.”

“Has it ever occurred to you that she doesn’t need you to be anything. She’s a grown, successful woman who’s managed to obtain a law degree, be an upstanding member of society, and have very little debt all without you,” Wade says.

“How do you know that?” Oliver asks.

“Background check,” Wade says without looking at Oliver. “But the point here is, Holt, that you just let a woman go because you think she needs you. I happen to think she doesn’t need you for shit. She just wants you. Those are two totally different things.”

I stare at the stapler on my desk and let his words filter through my brain.

The more I think about it, the more I think he’s right.

Blaire doesn’t need me. She doesn’t need me to fill a role