Restraint - Adriana Locke Page 0,81
say it like that,” he says.
“Like what?” I swallow hard. “Like you said it?”
I bite my lip as a form of self-protection. I don’t want to cry in front of him any more than I already have. I don’t want to get angry. I want to remain as calm as I can and then extricate myself from this situation.
Hopefully, in one piece.
“That was all …” He looks at the ceiling. His nostrils flare as he pushes out a hasty breath. “That wasn’t for you to hear.”
“Trust me. I didn’t want to hear it.”
His shoulders fall. “Let me explain.”
“You have explained enough.” I fight the tickle in my nose that comes before tears. “I know I’m a time suck and—”
“Blaire.”
“And my emotions are such a burden. It’s been said before,” I say through the rivers streaming down my face.
He starts toward me, but I hold up a hand.
“What do you want me to do?” he asks, holding his arms out the sides. His phone rings again in his right hand.
“I don’t want you to do anything.”
“No. Clearly, you do. What is it? Do you want me to cancel this meeting? It’s for a project I’ve worked on for months. My family and multitudes of other families who work for us all depend on me. Do you have any idea what that pressure is like?”
“Nope. I just keep people from going to prison for their entire lives when they’re innocent. I have no idea about pressure. Talk to me about it.”
He stares at me as though he’s unsure what to say.
I raise a brow. “Okay. I’ll be honest. You know what I wanted from you? I wanted you to want me, okay?”
My words crack. I grab the railing with all my might.
Holt’s phone rings again. “We don’t have time for this conversation.”
“Of course, we don’t.”
“Dammit, Blaire. I’m trying here. I can’t be everything to everyone. I’ve been telling you that all along. It’s why I don’t bring people here. It’s why I don’t have relationships because this shit happens, and I have to let someone down.”
I get it. He’s right. He has to let someone down. But I would’ve been happy to wait for him to come home later and have a conversation about our future.
Except he doesn’t want one.
“It’s clear that you’re not going to be anything to me and my emotional baggage,” I say.
“Can we just do this later? Please,” he asks as his phone buzzes in his hand. His nostrils flare as he presses the button to silence the noise. “I cannot manage all of this right now.”
“Again, I didn’t ask you to stay. As a matter of fact,” I say, feeling a surge of energy pass through my body, “I didn’t ask for any of this. Any of it. You asked for my number. You pressed me into dinner. You invited me to your home, and you took me to meet your family. And you asked me, implored me to share my feelings with you. That’s all on you, Holt. Every bit of it.”
The words strengthen my resolve. The pain turns to anger as I peer down at him from my perch.
“If you didn’t want me to fall in love with you, then you shouldn’t have …” My voice trails off as I realize what I’ve said.
Holt’s eyes go wide.
“I didn’t realize …” He starts toward me but stops. “I didn’t … Oh, fuck.”
“Yeah. Well, now you know.”
He glances so quickly at his watch that I would’ve missed it if I wasn’t paying acute attention.
“Just go on,” I tell him.
“This conversation isn’t over.”
Tears sting my eyes again. “I think it is.”
He throws his hands up and growls into the air.
I can feel his frustration rippling through the room. I want to tell him we’ll talk about this later.
But we won’t. Because there’s nothing left to be said.
Even if there was, I wouldn’t begin to share it with him now.
“It’s fine,” I tell him, my voice softer. “And if it makes you feel any better, I don’t think you ever lied to me. I just … hoped.”
His body stills in the doorway. He worries his bottom lip between his teeth as he watches me with an expression I can’t name.
“I’m sorry, Blaire. Just … tell me you’ll be here when I get back. Please.”
He backs away slowly. My heart breaks as I accept his final answer. Whether he wants to admit it or not, this is over.
Maybe it never started.
I’ve never felt smaller. I’ve never felt as vulnerable and