Restraint - Adriana Locke Page 0,41

boys. They made fun of me for my grades. Then my glasses. Then my boobs.

“I had one good friend in college. It was short-lived,” I say, feeling myself auto-detach from the topic.

“Okay. That’s a starting point. What happened?”

“Jack.”

His name tastes bitter as it rolls off my tongue. The detachment that started to flow through my veins as I mentioned Lacie fully flows at the mention of my ex.

“Jack? Who is Jack?” Sienna asks.

Would it suffice to tell her I don’t think I ever knew?

My heart tugs as I think of Jack Williamson. Therapy taught me that the sensation in my chest isn’t for him, but for the time we spent together and what it represented to me—something it definitely didn’t represent to him. The pain, though, that’s because of him.

And for me.

I’m hit with a tidal wave of emotions. Guilt, shame, anger—it’s all there and so heavy. But it’s the sadness that swamps me, coming in like a tsunami and eroding the strength I’ve summoned since then. It’s a complete and utter devastation for the naïve young lady I once was who was irretrievably broken in the course of ten months. The me who lost both of my parents in a tragic accident. Who became the head of her family despite not having one iota how to do that. The woman who then lost her boyfriend due to her dejection. The girl who just needed a friend but lost her best friend too.

Then nearly, her own life.

Tears wet the corner of my eyes. I blink them back.

“Jack was an old boyfriend,” I say. “We broke up, and he took my best friend, my only friend, with him.”

“He sounds like an asshole.”

“He is. Or was,” I say with a shrug. “I like to think that he grew up and did better. That he and Lacie had a good life, and I was worth the trade-off.”

But there could’ve been room in there for me too.

I shake my head. “But it’s fine.”

“No, it’s not.” Sienna takes a long breath. “It’s not okay that people you thought were friends did that to you.”

“Clearly, I didn’t need them. I did just fine in life without them.”

“It’s not about you needing them. It’s about knowing that you deserve to have good people around you and acknowledging that they didn’t deserve you.”

Her words make me smile.

“I’m going to teach you all about friends,” she says. “I’m your friend. The Douchebag and Douchebag Follower weren’t your friends. Welcome to your first friendship, Blaire.”

I can’t help but laugh. “Is this just to extract things about Holt? Because you don’t have to pretend to be my friend for that.”

“No. That’s just a benefit in this particular instance.” She laughs too. “But I would like you to know I’m available, day or night, to talk. About Holt or anything else.”

The sun shines brightly. My steps into the front of the park feel light. The smile on my face doesn’t feel too bad either.

It must be the salt in the air that gets to me because I find myself talking before I even realize it.

“Nothing has happened with Holt since the first night I got here,” I say. “We almost kissed last night, but Nana called.”

Sienna’s giddiness rolls through the phone.

“I slept in the guest room,” I say, trying to control the bubble of excitement in my belly just from talking about him. “It just felt more … practical.”

“Practical? I would go with saintly, but you’re the intellect. Not me.”

I roll my eyes. “I don’t want him to think I’m just a piece of ass. Not that he’s ever treated me like that,” I add. “Not even close. But I just want to maintain a little class.”

“Of course. I get it.”

I pick a piece of invisible lint off my shirt. “He’s supposed to be meeting me shortly for a little touristy adventure. I mean, it’s to a church, but that’s more adventurous than I usually get.”

“I love this,” she says, ecstatic. “I so love this. Have fun. Be excited. This is an exciting thing.”

The ball of excitement in my gut that I’ve been trying to control begins to unwind. I can feel it slip through my veins and make my heart beat faster, my palms start to sweat. It is exciting whether I like it or not.

I scrunch up my face and laugh. “I hate that I’m excited about this but …”

“But it’s Holt. I get it. And it’s new for you. It’s vacation. You’re doing what my sister Camilla and I