Rent a Boyfriend - Gloria Chao Page 0,49

father shook his head. “That can’t be.”

My mother’s voice was frantic. “Did you need to ask him about medical schools? Did you want advice on how to improve your application? Did you want to visit him at work so you could get excited about your future?” She was so desperate to find an excuse for me that I almost let her.

Almost.

She looked at me, and even though I was using all my energy to keep my face neutral, I knew she could sense my inner turmoil. “What is it, Mei? Just tell us.”

I opened my mouth and my tongue touched the tip of my teeth, my palate, my lip, but no words came out.

“You can tell us,” she repeated, softly this time.

I took a breath. “I reached out to Xing because I miss him. He’s my brother. I just wanted to see how he was doing, make sure he was okay. It had nothing to do with your conflict or taking sides or disrespecting you.” I paused. “I did also visit him at work, but . . . it was really hard. I wanted it to make me excited about my future. . . . I wanted that so much, but it did the opposite. I’m sure you’ve noticed how I have trouble with germs and—”

My father slapped the table. “Mei, this isn’t up for discussion.”

“Bǎbá’s right. We laid out your future because we only want the best for you. You haven’t even given it a try. A few hours doesn’t count.”

I shook my head. “But I have tried, and I know I can’t do it.”

My father straightened his spine. His voice was gravelly as he said, “Can’t? That’s not the daughter we raised. You can do anything. Where’s that passion you once had? You used to be just like Nǎinai. A hard worker. What happened? Mǎmá and I didn’t come to this country and work like dogs, giving up everything we wanted, just so you could throw it all away.”

The wave of guilt hit me full-on, wrapping around and restricting like a straitjacket. I had to muster all my strength to continue down this traitorous path. “I know you sacrificed so much, and I appreciate it. I’m not throwing anything away. I’m still going to have an MIT degree, just like you wanted. I’ll be able to get a good job. Please, just listen to me. I’m trying to tell you how I feel.”

“Stop talking.” His grating tone made me flinch.

But I ignored his command. “I just want to talk, like adults.”

“You’re a child.”

I squeezed my eyes shut so I wouldn’t have to see his sneer as I spoke. “I’m in college. I may be young, but it’s only because you pushed me and pushed me, making me skip a grade without asking what I wanted. I’m seventeen only when it suits you.”

“Have you no respect?” my mother whispered, aghast. “Haven’t we taught you better than this? You’re Chinese. Act like it.”

“I’m Chinese-American. America has culture too. Why can’t I identify with that also? What if I identify with it more?”

My mother’s usually poised face turned down, revealing the wrinkles she normally worked so hard to hide from the world.

Look, I told myself. Look at Mamá’s sad, pained eyes, the utter disappointment in the frown on her face. You caused that.

But why did I have to bear this burden? Why was I destined to be unhappy?

Life wasn’t fair.

My mother shook her head, eyes closed. “Mei, people need to know where they come from. They can’t know who they are without that. And traditions must be kept alive. Otherwise they die.”

“It makes sense that you and Bǎbá care about keeping traditions alive since you were born in Taiwan. But it’s different for me, for my generation. We were born here, live here. It’s Chinese culture at home, American culture everywhere else. Do you know how hard that is? Can’t we keep the traditions we like and alter the ones we don’t agree with? Don’t we get to choose who we are?”

Instead of answering my questions, my mother said, “First the boy and the”—she peered at my father—“candy bar wrapper, and, Mei, I found your ballet shoes and ribbons in your dorm room! And now this? Seeing your brother? Talking back to us? What’s gotten into you? You used to tīnghuà.”

I closed my eyes briefly to collect myself. “I can’t ignore what I want anymore. I can’t do whatever job you pick, marry whoever you choose, or cut my own brother