“How long's it been for me? Sixteen?” She was sick to death of her own problems, of trying to live with them, overcome them, forget them. It was all she had thought of for two months.
“How long have you known? Only two months. You're being very unfair with yourself.”
“Maybe I am.” But she stopped seeing him entirely a month later. She said that she couldn't handle a relationship until she sorted things out in her head, and he was very understanding. He told her simply that he loved her, that he wanted to stand by her, to help her work it out, but if she needed to be alone, he would respect that. He asked only that she try to stay in touch and let him know from time to time how she felt. The day he left her apartment for the last time he stood in the doorway with a look of sorrow in his eyes as he looked at her.
“I want you to know two things, Vanessa. One, that I love you, and two, that you're not crazy. You've been through a horrendous experience and it may take you time to sort it out. But I'll be here if you want me. In a year, in a day. I've never met anyone like you. So when you work it out, just call.”
Her eyes filled with tears and she nodded, but then she turned away as he closed the door. And after he had left, she had never been as lonely in her life. She wanted him desperately, emotionally, physically, mentally, in every way she could think of. But every time she thought of making love to him, she thought of Vasili standing over the body of her mother, and she couldn't bear it. It was as though, if she let anyone that close to her, he would do the same thing to her.
“Is that normal?” she finally asked Linda one day in her office. Linda had gone back to work full-time in the fall, and it was now late September.
“Yes.”
“How the hell do I get over it?”
“Time. And your good mind. You have to remind yourself over and over again that John is not Vasili, and just because Vasili did something doesn't mean that John will do it to you. Vasili is not all men. He is one man. And you are not your mother. I never knew her, but I suspect that you are very different. You're a whole other person, with a totally different life. You just have to say that to yourself over and over, and eventually it will start to take.” She smiled gently at Vanessa. It had been a difficult few months for the girl and it showed. But she was growing from her efforts to wrestle with the problems.
“You know, I've been thinking of going away for a while.”
“I think that's a great idea. Anyplace special?”
Vanessa looked at her for a long moment, and then said it. “Greece.”
Linda nodded slowly. “Want to tell me why, or do I have to guess?”
Vanessa took a deep breath, almost afraid to say it, but she had to. “Ever since the baby's birth I have this overwhelming urge to find Charlie.”
“I understand.” Linda's voice was soft.
“It's a little crazy really, I know she's not a baby anymore, but she's my sister. My mother and father are gone, and other than Uncle Teddy, she's all I have left of the past. I have to find her. And at the same time I'm so damn scared. Maybe I won't have the guts to see her, after all. Maybe I'll just go to Europe and float around.”
“It might do you good.” And then, hesitantly, “Any news from John?”
Vanessa shook her head. “I told him not to call me, and he won't.”
“You could call him.”
“I'm not ready.” And then with a sad shrug, “Maybe I never will be.”
“I doubt that. Maybe he's just not the right one.”
But Vanessa shook her head again. “That's not true. If there were someone,” she said very softly, “I would want it to be with him. He's the kind of man I'd like to spend the rest of my life with. We have a lot in common. I've never … I've never been able to talk to anyone the way I talk to him.”
“That's how I feel about Teddy. It's a very important thing. Maybe after you get back from Europe …”