that … it's like I just don't know how to begin, or what to do. … But,” she sighed softly, “it's crazy, John seems to understand that.”
“How old is he?”
“Twenty-seven.” Linda found herself wishing that he were older, and perhaps more mature.
“But he seems a lot older than his age. He was married for four years. They got married when he was in college. Childhood sweethearts and all that. She got pregnant, so they got married when he was eighteen. But—” She hesitated, realizing that she had just made a ghastly faux pas, and she looked up at Linda. “Never mind. It's a long story.”
“I'd like to hear it.” And the worst of it was that Vanessa wanted to tell her. She wanted to share what she was thinking about John. She needed to get it off her chest, and she could always talk straight to Linda.
“I'm sorry, love. It's a lousy story. But maybe since you're a doctor … Their baby was born defective. It had some terrible birth defect, and I guess he and his wife hung together because of the child. It sounded really awful when he told me. They took turns sitting at the hospital for the first year, and after that they had him at home until he”—she almost gulped—”until he died. I gather that it took a terrible toll on the marriage. When the baby died, they split up, and that was it. That was five years ago, and I think it shook him up for a long time.”
Linda looked shaken too, but birth defects were certainly no news to her, and to Vanessa's relief she didn't look overwhelmed by the story. “That's understandable, and so is the divorce. A lot of times couples don't survive tragedies like that one.”
Vanessa nodded. “I'm sorry to tell you that now. I didn't think when I started—”
“It's all right.” Linda touched Vanessa's hand. “I'm a big girl, you know. I'm even a doctor.” They smiled at each other.
“You know, the odd thing is that I like him so much. I feel comfortable with him, it's as if he really understands me.”
“Does that surprise you so much?”
“Yes.” She sighed softly. “Everybody else has always pushed me. They're on the make and they want to get you to bed in one night. I tried explaining to John how I felt, and he understood it. He said that after his little boy died and he broke up with his wife, he didn't sleep with anyone for two years. He just didn't want to. He thought that there was something wrong with him too, but there wasn't, it was just as though he were numb or something.”
Linda nodded. “He's right. It is very common.”
“You know, he asked if anything ever happened to me to make me feel the way I do.” She shrugged and smiled. “But I just told him I was crazy from birth, I guess.” She laughed, but it was a hollow sound, it was almost as if her eyes asked Linda a question.
Linda spoke very quietly. “I think it must have been a tremendous trauma for you when your mother died, and the custody case. You never know how those things will come out later.”
“Yeah.” She looked wistful. “Some people wind up with a stutter. Me, I'm frigid.” Her eyes were sad when she looked at Linda again but Linda shook her head.
“That's not necessarily true. In fact I seriously doubt it. You've never made love with anyone, Vanessa. You don't know what you are yet.”
“That's the truth. I'm nothing.” She looked disappointed in herself and Linda felt for her.
“Give yourself time. John sounds like a nice man. Maybe he'll come to mean something to you.”
“Maybe.” She sighed again. “If I let him.” It was not as if she were unaware of her problems. She was even beginning to think of seeing a shrink again, which pleased Linda. Maybe she would finally get it all out, after all. Maybe it was time for her. The blockage that had sat there for so long was finally making her uncomfortable.
For two nights Linda had trouble sleeping, the baby had dropped, and it felt so heavy that she could barely walk. A heat wave came along, and she was miserable and restless. At five o'clock one morning she got up, her back ached, she had heartburn, she couldn't sleep, and she finally gave up and made herself a cup of coffee. The coffee gave her cramps, and she felt like a