He threads our fingers together and smiles. “Seriously, maybe we really won’t break up. Ever.”
“But heartache builds character. Remember?”
“So does being in love,” he says.
What a great point. It’s such a good point I kiss him for it. I only give him a peck, though, because I don’t think he wants his tongue in my mouth after last night.
“Me and Lexie got drunk after you left. I’m pretty hungover, so I think I’m just gonna go back home. I have a headache the size of Rhode Island.”
“Rhode Island is actually pretty small,” he says.
“Nebraska, then.”
“Oh. Well, in that case, you should definitely go home and go back to bed.”
I kiss him again, on the cheek. “I’ll give you a better kiss next time I see you. But I’ve been puking all night.”
“When will I see you next?”
I shrug. “I’ll be at school tomorrow, but I’m probably grounded for a really long time.”
Miller tucks hair behind my ear, hugs me, and then says, “Thank you for coming to see me.”
“Thank you for putting up with me.”
When we get out of his truck, he gives me one final hug. It’s comforting, and on the drive home I think about his hugs. My dad’s hugs. Jonah’s hugs. They’re all great.
But if I’m being honest, nothing really compares to my mother’s hugs. Or her kisses. I don’t really remember a lot about last night, but I do remember her helping me in the bathroom. And for some weird reason, I remember she was in my bed, singing me a random Twenty One Pilots song.
And I remember her kissing me on the forehead, right before she told me she loved me. Even at seventeen years old, I still feel all the comforts of childhood when I’m sick and my mother takes care of me.
I woke up with my blanket and my sequined pillow. It made me smile, even through the headache. Even through my anger.
I wonder if I can somehow separate the anger from the love. I don’t want her actions with Jonah to have an effect on the way I feel about her. She’s my mother. I don’t want to hate her. But what if I won’t be able to forgive her?
But how do I even know that Jenny and my dad aren’t happy for my mom and Jonah? What if they somehow set this in motion from wherever they are?
What if my anger is interfering with that somehow?
I have a lot of questions. Most of them I know can’t be answered. It’s making my head hurt even more.
When I finally walk into the house, my mother is awake. She’s sitting on the couch with her laptop. Probably still applying for jobs. She glances up at me as I shut the door.
“You okay?”
I nod. “I thought I could do school, but I was wrong. I have a Nebraska headache.” I point toward my room. “I’m gonna go back to bed.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
MORGAN
I googled Nebraska headache when Clara got home this morning but couldn’t figure out what it meant. I thought maybe it was slang, but if it is, it must be brand-new slang.
I feel fairly productive today. I have a job interview for a secretary position at a real estate firm next week. Not ideal, because the pay is low, but it’s a start. I find the idea of selling real estate appealing, so I thought if I could get the job, I might get a taste for it and see if that’s what I want to study. I’ve been looking up ways I can somehow work and go to college at the same time. There are so many more options now than there were when I was eighteen. If I had the opportunity to take night classes and online classes when Clara was younger, I probably would have finished my degree.
I’ve been feeling sorry for myself, but in reality, this isn’t all Chris’s fault. I knew he wasn’t invincible. I could have easily gone to college part-time to prepare myself if something were to ever happen to him. And I’m honestly lucky he had a life insurance policy that’ll give me time to figure it out.
As I was looking through paperwork in the bedroom, I came across my birthday board, which Clara and I worked on the night before Chris died. I never put it back where I usually keep them because the next day altered everything. It somehow ended up under my bed. It reminded