Regretting You (Blackthorn Elite #4) - J.L. Beck Page 0,46

why she would think that, but I’m not that big of an asshole. I won’t have her doing it anymore now that I know though.

What if she cuts herself too deep?

I can’t have her death on my conscience, and I can’t lose her. I don’t know if I’m ready to forgive her or if I ever fully can, but I don’t want to lose her.

After not sleeping a lick, I drove back to my apartment just as the sun was rising. Yes, I’m a pussy. I didn’t want to be there when she woke up. Mainly because I’m not sure what I should say to her. I don’t know how to react to the knowledge that she’s been hurting herself, cutting herself for god knows how long to deal with the pain.

I think about what my mother told me as I toss a ball at the wall and catch it. I haven’t dealt with my sister’s death because I feel like the moment that I do, the moment that I accept she’s dead, I’ll start the process of moving on, of forgetting her, and I can’t imagine ever forgetting someone like her, even if she is dead.

Then the shit with Kennedy makes me feel guilty, it makes me feel like I’m betraying my sister. Yet, I can’t shut off the fact that I care about her.

Sighing into the empty room, I wonder what Jillian would want me to do? Would she approve of me caring for Kennedy? Would she be okay with me forgiving her?

Confusion seeps into my bones. I don’t get a chance to focus on it, though, because my cell phone starts ringing, interrupting my thought process. I grab the device from beside me and look at the screen.

It’s my mother. I haven’t talked to her in some time, and I kinda miss her. Hitting the green answer key, I put the phone on speaker.

“Hey, Mom.”

“Hi, sweetheart, how are you?”

“I’m doing good.”

“You don’t sound good, you sound sad. Is everything okay?” Of course, my mom can read me, even over the phone. Must be some motherly instinct or some shit.

“I’m sorry about acting like a total ass last weekend. Kennedy ran off because of it. Like left school and hid out in a hotel.” I mean, that’s not the complete reason, but I’m not telling her everything. Some things my mother doesn’t need to know.

“Oh, Jackson, I know you’re still hurting, but it wasn’t Kennedy’s fault. It was an accident. Yes, Kennedy made a stupid choice, but she was so young, and people make a lot of mistakes when they are young. I know in my heart, she would never hurt anyone on purpose, least of all her best friend. She loved Jillian, probably as much as you did.”

Damnit. There isn’t any denying what she says. Jillian and Kennedy were connected at the hip. They loved each other as much as any sisters could. I know it because I was afraid that if I ever made a move on Kennedy, it might ruin her relationship with my sister, and I couldn’t risk that.

“I know, but it’s so hard to let that go. It’s so hard not to blame her when if she had just waited for me, things might have been different.”

“You’re right, things might’ve been different, or they might not. Your sister could’ve got in a car accident later on, anything could’ve happened. It’s important to remember that tomorrow is never promised. Your sister’s death opened our eyes to that, and I wish it would open your eyes too.” I kinda sorta hate how right she sounds right now.

“I just… I feel like if I let it go, if I start to forgive, to move on…” my throat tightens, “I feel like I’ll forget her. If I don’t remind myself every day, then I’ll forget her…”

“You’ll never forget her. She’s your twin, a piece of her lives inside of you, and we both know she would be angry as hell to see you and Kennedy suffering because of her.” A smile tugs at my lips as I picture my sister staring me down, her hands on her hips. “I promise, it’s the only way to move forward. It’s time for you to start living your life without carrying around all that pain, all of the time. It doesn’t have to be this way, Jackson.”

She’s right, she’s so right, but I’m not sure if I can forgive and forget so easily. It still feels like she died yesterday.