I walked away, moving toward my bedroom with a quick and slightly weaving stride that had nothing to do with the small amount of wine I'd sipped.
I had scarcely cleared the doorway of my room when he grabbed my elbow.
"I won't follow you inside," he said gruffly, his head bent to reach my ear.
"I promised you that.
But I'm asking you to stay and talk to me.
At least listen.
You came all this way - " "I have something for you."
It was hard for me to get the words past my tight throat.
He released me and I hurried to my purse.
When I faced him, I asked, "Were you breaking up with me when you left the key on my counter?" He filled the doorway.
His hands were extended above his shoulders, his knuckles white from the force with which he gripped the frame, as if he were physically restraining himself from following me.
The pose displayed his body beautifully, defining every muscle, allowing the drawstring waistband of his pants to cling to his hip bones.
I wanted him with every breath I took.
"I wasn't thinking that far ahead," he admitted.
"I just wanted you to feel safe."
My grip tightened around the object in my hand.
"You ripped my heart out, Gideon.
You have no idea what seeing that key lying there did to me.
How bad it hurt me.
No idea."
His eyes squeezed shut and his head bowed.
"I wasn't thinking clearly.
I thought I was doing the right thing - " "Fuck that.
Fuck your damn chivalry or whatever the hell you think that was.
Don't do it again."
My voice took on an edge.
"I'm telling you right now and I mean it like I've never meant anything before - you ever give me my keys back again, we're done.
There's no coming back from that.
Do you understand?" "I do, yes.
I'm not sure you do."
My breath left me in a shaky exhalation.
I approached him.
"Give me your hand."
His left hand stayed on the doorjamb, but his right lowered and extended toward me.
"I never gave you the key to my place; you just took it."
I cupped his hand between both of mine, placing my gift in his palm.
"I'm giving it to you now."
Stepping back, I released him, watching as he looked down at the gleaming monogrammed fob with my apartment key on it.
It was the best way I could think of to show him that it belonged to him and that it was given freely.
His hand fisted, closing tightly around my gift.
After a long minute, he looked up at me and I saw the tears that wet his face.
"No," I whispered, my heart breaking further.
I cupped his face in my hands, my thumbs brushing over his cheekbones.
"Please .
don't."
Gideon caught me up, his lips pressing to mine.
"I don't know how to walk away."
"Shh."
"I'll hurt you.
I already am.
You deserve better - " "Shut up, Gideon."
I climbed him and wrapped my legs around his waist, holding on.
"Cary told me how you looked ."
He began to shake violently.
"You don't see what I'm doing to you.
I'm breaking you, Eva - " "That's not true."
He sank to his knees on the floor, clasping me tightly.
"I've trapped you in this.
You don't see it now, but you knew from the beginning - You knew what I would do to you, but I wouldn't let you run."
"I'm not running anymore.
You've made me stronger.
You gave me a reason to try harder."
"God."
His eyes were haunted.
He sat, stretching his legs out, pulling me closer.
"We're so fucked up, and I've handled everything all wrong.
We're going to kill each other with this.
We'll tear each other apart until there's nothing left."
"Shut up.
I don't want to hear any more of that shit.
Did you go to Dr.
Petersen?" His head fell back against the wall and his eyes closed.
"Yes, damn it."
"Did you tell him about last night?" "Yes."
His jaw clenched.
"And he said the same thing he started on last week.
That we're in too deep.
We're drowning each other.
He thinks we need to pull back, date platonically, sleep separately, spend more time together with others and less time alone."
It would be better, I thought.
Better for our sanity, better for our chances.
"I hope he's got a Plan B."
Gideon opened his eyes and looked at my scowling face.
"That's what I said.
Again."
"So we're fucked up.
Every relationship has issues."
He snorted.
"Seriously," I insisted.
"We are going to sleep separately.
That's something I let go too far."
"Separate beds or separate apartments?" "Beds.
That's all I can stand."
"All right."
I sighed and rested my head on his shoulder, so grateful that he was in my arms again