It still didn’t compute in my head. My mom was dead. Would I ever get used to thinking that, to feeling the loss so deep within me it felt like I’d never be whole again? It was too soon. She’d been the only thing that had mattered to me for so long, I… well, it was difficult for me to imagine a life without her in it, without me needing to mind everything I do to make sure she’s taken care of.
Someone had taken care of her, all right. Someone had killed her.
I believed that in my soul, as damned as it was. My mom would never have hurt herself, never. The thought never would’ve crossed her mind. She was my mom, she would never willingly leave me here without her. She wasn’t like that. My father might be a selfish bastard, but she never was.
To tell the truth, I had no idea why she was even with my father. She could’ve done better than him.
I couldn’t eat breakfast, even though Ms. Smith tried to feed me. Instead, I spent the morning being inconsolable and getting ready for the funeral. I had to swing by my house to grab a suit; Oliver had come with me, I think to make sure I didn’t see anything I shouldn’t. He’d told me he would handle the cleanup.
The cleanup. As if it was just a spill and not my mom’s blood.
I stood before a long mirror, watching myself as I crossed my tie with a vacant look in my eyes. Hollow, barren, like a part of me was missing. I knew I’d feel that way for a long time; getting over a parent’s sudden death couldn’t be easy.
Jaz… I appreciated the fact she didn’t kick me to the curb last night, but I knew she and I should’ve been more careful. I’d only wanted to feel something, to feel her arms around me, to lose myself in the warmth that made her, but I might’ve only created more problems for us down the road. I supposed only time would tell.
My fingers couldn’t get the knot to look right around my neck, and I grimaced as I undid the tie, for about the dozenth time.
Fuck this fucking tie.
“Need help?” A deep voice came from the doorway, and with a quick look over my shoulder, I spotted who it was. Not a man I’d normally accept help from, not a man I’d ever want to be caught dead with, but nevertheless a man who Jaz liked.
Jacob Hall.
“I got it,” I said, immediately proving with my ignorance that I did not, in fact, have it. Maybe it was my nerves; it wasn’t like this was the first time I’d ever had to tie a tie before. This time, though, was the first time a tie actually mattered. I wanted to look good, to look my best as I sent my mom off. Was that so wrong?
“Here,” Jacob spoke with a scowl, walking into the room. “Let me.” He was already dressed in his suit; a crisp black two piece, his undershirt a dark grey. Unlike me, he didn’t wear a tie, and he kept the top button undone. I did notice that he’d gotten his hair cut. Must’ve done it last night after he left the house.
And he shaved.
Hmm. I needed no guesses to know who he was trying to impress.
I tried not to glare as he came closer to help me with my tie. I tried not to think of the fact that Jaz was with him, just like she was with me. Now wasn’t the time for pointless jealousy. Today was about my mom, the woman this world had lost, and not anything else.
When he was done with my tie, and I gave it a once-over in the mirror, Jacob asked, “You doing okay, kid?”
I looked good in my dark grey suit, with my matching grey tie and my azure shirt. Mom always said blue shirts made the color of my eyes pop. I thought of her when I picked it.
Sighing, I turned back to Jacob. How could he call me a kid and then go and be with Jaz? If he was calling me a kid, shouldn’t he be calling her a kid? Oh, right, of course not, because then things would get weird.
“Yeah,” I said, though I knew neither of us believed it.
Jacob nodded once, rubbing a hand along his jawline as he muttered,