The Rebel - Raleigh Ruebins Page 0,78

dream of, more nights than I can count?” Liam said, shaking his head and looking at the ground. “It’s pathetic, Red. It isn’t even sex. I dream… I dream of us being an old married couple. I dream of gardening out in the back yard and bringing you basil as you simmer tomato sauce on the stove. Waking up next to you on some Sunday morning and watching the fucking sunlight hit your face. I dream of never being with anybody else but you, for the rest of my life. And I keep it inside, Red. I don’t say a word about it. But it’s killing me. It’s killing me every day knowing you don’t feel the same.”

He stopped to pull in a long, shaky breath.

“And now I’ve said what I shouldn’t,” he told me, his voice weak. “Shit.”

A cold shock of fear hit me, moving through me like ice. I felt the defenses I’d built up for ten years rising to attention, ready to form reinforcements all over again.

I wasn’t supposed to want every single thing that Liam told me he fantasized about.

But I did.

Thinking about a life with Liam—a future with him, as a true partner—didn’t sound like chaos anymore. In fact, it sounded like some form of heaven. A slow kind. A kind that is more like a warm fire than a roller coaster.

And that made me feel scared in a way I hadn’t in years. The idea of letting go of the safe little airtight fortress I’d been hiding behind and taking a leap. The idea of letting myself merge with someone else so completely, to trust like I hadn’t trusted in a decade.

I’d been hurt so badly before. But now that pain seemed to pale in comparison to the pain of being without him.

“I’ve… I’ve been shutting you out,” I said, my voice weak. “Without even realizing it.”

Liam shook his head slowly. “And you know what Red? That’s probably the right choice.”

I swallowed hard. So many words bubbled up inside me, only to disappear as soon as I tried to speak.

“No,” I whispered.

I wanted to give him the whole fucking world. I wanted to show him exactly how deeply he affected me, got to me, in a way that nobody else had even come close.

Instead now I was the one who was paralyzed. A grown man, always so in charge of my own destiny, and I couldn’t even figure out how tell my favorite person how I felt.

I barely registered it as Liam opened the car door behind him and sat down in the driver’s seat. I knew he wouldn’t leave, even as I was watching him do it. I felt like I was sinking into some invisible quicksand in the ground, faster and faster every moment.

I didn’t even know how long my phone was ringing in my pocket. I pulled it out, answering without thinking.

“Red,” Mark’s voice said. He didn’t sound happy.

“Just a minute,” I managed to utter, my voice hoarse.

Liam’s car door closed behind me. In another moment, his red tail lights illuminated, and he pulled off into the street and disappearing.

I still didn’t believe it. I didn’t think he’d go, just like that.

I waited for his car to come back, for him to get out and cry and fall into my arms and tell me again that he loved me.

A minute passed, but the street was silent. Nothing but the yellowy light of a streetlamp illuminating spiraling moths in the distance. The sound of a lone cricket somewhere nearby.

It was empty. He wasn’t coming back.

“No, no, no,” I repeated, my voice a little louder with every word.

“What?” Mark’s tinny voice came from the phone. “You there?”

“Sorry, I…” I said, trailing off. It was like I was underwater.

“I hope I didn’t catch you at a bad time, there, Red. We... we do have some unfortunate news,” Mark said.

I furrowed my brow, barely able to register his words. I kept staring at the street, expecting Liam to drive back, expecting all of this to just be a temporary mistake.

“What are you talking about?” I said, my voice hoarse.

I could already sense what Mark was going to tell me, though. This wasn’t just a quick meeting about the show. This was much worse.

“We got notice this afternoon that we won’t be getting the funding for another season of the show,” another voice said. It was Natalie, clearly in the same room as Mark. “It isn’t going to work out.”

I shook my head, feeling like I