The Rebel - Raleigh Ruebins Page 0,37

you. I was mad as hell, though.”

“I know you were.”

He shook his head slowly. “You can’t know how hard it was to build a life here. How hard it was to force myself not to run right back to you. For years, I wanted to run back to you.”

I paused, watching him, waiting for a punchline.

But it didn’t happen. Red was completely serious, his brows still knitted together as he stared into the distance.

“I thought you couldn’t stand me,” I said, my voice coming out quiet. “What you said, when you left—”

“I know what I said,” Red told me.

I could still remember every word he’d said.

I never want to see you again, Liam. Being with you destroys me.

“It wasn’t that I couldn’t stand you,” he continued. “It was that there was nothing I wanted but you. It was like a toxic, fucked-up obsession, Liam, and I couldn’t stand it any longer. You were a part of my soul, and you kept self-destructing. Every time you hurt yourself, it hurt me.”

My throat felt tight again.

“I… I had no idea it affected you that much,” I said.

His eyes fixed on mine, his gaze so intense it made my heart slam in my chest.

“I remember coming home and finding you passed out on the couch. Every single time, I was afraid you’d somehow given yourself alcohol poisoning or gone too far. I remember when you’d tell me you hadn’t eaten in two days because you wanted to look good on camera, and I was so scared you’d waste away. You would drive a hundred fucking miles an hour on side streets. You’d kiss me and tell me you loved me, and all I could think was that at any point, I could lose all of that love for some stupid, stupid reason.”

Guilt crept through me like black sludge. My heart ached remembering the reality of my behavior ten years ago—hell, the reality that had been my life until a month or two ago. I had been like a poison to anyone who cared about me.

I stared down at the table, my eyes focusing on the uneaten remnants of my sandwich.

“I really hurt you,” I whispered. “I really hurt you and I had no idea.”

Red leaned forward, running his palms over his face and then letting them drop.

“You were addicted to drinking, drugs, thrill seeking. And I was addicted to you. To loving you, to taking care of you, to making sure everything was going to be fine. Do you know how many times I carried you from the couch or floor into the bedroom, when you were blacked out?”

I shook my head slowly. “I had no idea. Of course not.”

Red swallowed, leaning back a little, and I watched his Adam’s apple bob. He looked like a world-weary king, disappointed about a kingdom he’d lost. I wished I could apologize for every single fucking time I’d ever made him worry about me.

“So, no, I didn’t hate you,” Red said. “I loved you way, way too much. And I knew if I ever saw you again, I’d get sucked right back in.”

My insides felt heavy. “I really shouldn’t have come to Amberfield,” I said quietly. “Coming here... expecting that I could just, I don’t know, charm you again in ten minutes, easy-peasy, and you’d forgive me for all of it—”

“No,” he said. “But I’m still glad you came here.”

“Bullshit,” I said. I stood up, crossing over to the other side of the room, not knowing what to do with myself. “We both know it was a bad thing, me coming here. You just had the courage to say it.”

“But everything is different now,” Red said. “You are different.”

“I’m so afraid that I’m not,” I said. My hands had started to tremble just a little. I stared out the front window, looking at one of the smaller trees blowing in the wind, and the beautiful Gallica roses. “Every single day it’s a struggle not drinking. You know that, right?”

He paused for a moment, and I turned to see him watching me, concern in his eyes. “Are you okay?”

I shrugged, shaking my head. “Sometimes I think I am. And then Colin goes and does shit like he did today, and it seems like the only solution is to completely erase myself using a bottle of vodka.”

“What did Colin do today?”

I shook my head. “It doesn’t matter.”

“What did he do?” Red asked again, standing up and coming over to my side.

I sighed. I reached into my pocket, pulling