Reaching Answers (Artemis University #8) - Erin R Flynn Page 0,60
so his magic didn’t hurt someone or do something unintended. Tears ran down my cheeks as I felt his pain, his agony at my rejection and the loss of me all over again.
And the guilt ate at me. I’d jerked him around once by letting us have sex and not realizing what it’d meant, but he’d thought this was us making progress.
To me, it had been… I still wasn’t sure. I simply knew I loved him and that love was killing both of us. It had to stop.
“No, it means we should be together,” he choked out.
I winced, realizing I had been projecting what I’d felt and been thinking. “I can’t, Julian.”
“It was all real, love,” he pushed. “You talked to me. You shared everything with me again. We were…” He trailed off when I looked away. “Can you please, please, take today and think over what happened now that you know it was real? Please?”
I nodded. I could do that. I owed him that much.
Though I wasn’t sure how I felt guilty when he should have made extra sure I knew it wasn’t a dream.
“You’re right, I should have,” he agreed. “You said something that first morning that teased me and I winked at you. I thought that was our understanding. I thought we—I would never have tricked you. I would never want—”
“I know. I know that,” I whispered. For all of his faults, Craftsman would never try underhanded anything to trap a woman or control her.
Not after his family had spent his whole life trying to do that to him.
He moved his forehead to mine as his magic started scaling back. “It was real and we were happy. I could make you happy like that for real again. I love you so, so much, Tamsin. I know I messed up so much, but I’m ready this time. I’m ready for my feelings for you too and be the man you deserve. I swear it. Give me the chance, and I swear to you that you won’t regret it.”
I sniffled loudly and kissed his cheek before taking down my barrier and pushing to stand. I would have gone right back down if he hadn’t caught me.
The look he gave me let me know he understood where my mind had gone.
Why weren’t you there to catch me before? How can you say you love me when you let me fall and get hurt?
I muttered a thank you and pulled away. I headed inside and ignored everyone, going right for the stairs and the portal to Faerie. I wasn’t sure it would help me at the moment, but I needed away from everyone else and it was safe at least.
Figuratively speaking. I didn’t think the planet had it out for me. It was simply selfish in that it would put itself and the survival of the millions of fairies trapped there before my safety. I couldn’t blame it for that.
I just wouldn’t trust it until everything was stable. Maybe not even after that.
Yeah, fine, I was one of the most distrusting people ever. I had reason to be.
I walked out towards the darkness, going behind the portal where it wasn’t as far to go. We all agreed it was better to leave an area close in case we needed it as a reference or to study it.
Or simply as a reminder as to what had happened and we were undertaking. What we were trying to overcome. At least, that was part of it for me.
I plopped down near the boundary, feeling like I was about to fall over the edge into the abyss, into the darkness I couldn’t get back out of. It had all been real. Everything I’d done and said. Everything I’d let him do to me… And it had all been wonderful.
And I could have it if I could just let him back in.
But I didn’t have it in me. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t. I couldn’t open my heart to him again.
And that broke my heart all over again. I broke down crying, sobbing that I’d lost the love I’d always wanted and didn’t know how to get it back. It wasn’t even about pride or I was disappointed in myself for still loving him.
I was too broken to know how to move on and try again. I didn’t have the emotional depth or capacity to give another chance like this and I’d always known that.