Just like you do, Neil.
“I think I used to,” I said.
“What do you mean used to?”
I curled into his chest and traced a finger into the hollow of his throat. “After my d-dad died, I—I know I changed and I’m not—I’m not the person I was before. I’m not the nice girl you remember from years ago, Neil. I hope you know that.”
“But you are,” he said. “I know that’s not true. Why would you even think such a thing?” He tightened his grip around me.
“I’ve done things I never would have, if Dad were still here.”
“We all have, Cherry.” He kissed me slow before speaking. “I wish I’d been able to be here back then. I worried so much about you after your dad was taken.”
“I still miss him, so badly.”
“Of course you do. That’s normal.”
“But he would be ashamed of me and what I’ve been up to these last years.”
“And what’s that exactly?”
I didn’t know what to answer. If I was truthful, then Neil might be disgusted with me. If I wasn’t, then it made me a liar by omission and I didn’t think I could do that to Neil. I held our love to a higher standard, and somehow I knew he did as well.
“Well, I’m not innocent. I’ve done things I am ashamed of. I’ve messed around with a bad crowd and…boys. Dad raised me to be better, and to think more of myself than where I’ve been keeping company, and where I’ve been.”
“If you’re referring to that cocksucker, Tompkins, then I agree wholeheartedly—he wasn’t fit to even share air in a room with you.”
I laughed softly. “I know. Dad would never have let Denny in the door to look at me, let alone take me on a date.”
“Your dad was a wise man,” Neil said wryly.
“I was I in a fair bit in shock back at the pub when you were defending me. I couldn’t work out why you would be so interested…in me.” My voice trailed off into the night time silence.
Neil’s response was to roll me onto my back and kiss me with deep probing strokes of his tongue, almost harsh and desperate in his method to convince me I was worthy. “Have you worked it out now?”
“Not really,” I answered truthfully, “but I am so grateful you know.”
“Let me show you something.” He slid open the bedside table and brought out a small object. “Hold out your hand, please.”
I did, and felt him slip a bracelet onto my wrist.
“You kept it all these years?” I asked, feeling like more tears might pour from me if he kept going with the gestures. I held my wrist up so I could get a better look in the poor light. The bracelet I’d handmade for Neil as a good luck charm to keep him safe in the war looked a little battle worn but it was still intact, still with the two owls and the infinity charms I’d put onto it.
“Yes, I kept it all these years. You made it for me. Hell, I wore it as often as I was allowed. It goes everywhere with me.”
I could see the evidence of that easily from the texture and colour of the leather. I brought it to my nose for a sniff. I could smell Neil’s scent on this small scrap of leather knots and brass charms, and knew it had lain against his skin.
“I still have mine too,” I said.
He drew me close into the curve of his arm and rubbed the back of my neck with his fingers. “You know that I think of your brother and mum as family more than my own?”
“They love you, Neil.”
Again I could hear the ache in his voice. Neil didn’t speak of his shitty family life, or how he’d been virtually on his own from far too young of an age. He wasn’t a complainer, so for him to bring it up in a conversation with me felt monumental.
“I love them too. And you all love me back, Cherry. I don’t need anything more.”
As I lay in the cradle of his arms, I looked up at the ceiling of his bedroom flat and thought about how happy I was in this moment, being cuddled in the bed with Neil and enjoying his soft caresses and slow kisses. Neil and me together.