Queen of Quarantine (Brutal Boys of Everlake Prep #4) - Caroline Peckham Page 0,164

to deal with it and move on. I want that stalking, rapist bitch to be buried once and for all. I don't like to see her haunting you, brother, and I think you need a push to move on from this."

"It's not like I can just scrub what she did from my mind," I pointed out angrily.

"No, you can't. I'm not talking about some magical eraser to make you all better again. This will leave a scar on you that isn't going to just go away, but it will fade. Believe me, I've spent a lifetime trying to cope with enough of my own traumas to have made a hobby out of attempting to deal with them."

"So, what? You want me to start obsessing over the time and freaking out over schedules?" I asked and he scoffed lightly.

"No. Those may be manifestations of my damage, but they're by no means a fix for them. I have only found one fix which works for me in any lasting way. And it doesn't just undo what I've been through anymore than it will erase what Ashlynn did to you. But you need to work on the way that you're allowing your experience with that girl to affect your relationship with Tatum," Saint said simply, like there was anything simple about that.

"I like tying her up," I protested, unsure if I was really up for what he was suggesting or not. "Not just because it stops her from pawing at me. I just like it."

"I know you do. And I'm not kink shaming you or expecting you never to tie her up again. I just think that you're so caught up on what Deepthroat did to you that you can't even bare to let the woman you love have any control during sex. You don't let her touch you or make any choices about what happens with your body. And I think you should work on that."

"How exactly?" I asked, folding my arms as I looked at him and his mouth lifted into a smirk.

"I'm willing to help you on that."

"Pfft, what are you gonna do, tie me up and boss me around?" I teased and his smile only grew.

"Yeah that sounds good to me," he agreed and I laughed.

"I bet it fucking does."

"So what do you say? Shall we track down Tatum? Then I can take control for you and show you how good it feels to face off against your demons."

"While yours get a nice little kick out of the power you'll get by doing so," I pointed out and he shrugged.

"I said I was willing to help you, I never promised I wouldn't be getting anything out of it. So, what's it to be?" Saint asked.

I licked my lips, my mind on Tatum and I realised that if I didn't do this then I wasn't just holding myself back, I was punishing her too. I wasn't allowing her any say in the way we came together, and I'd never even asked her if she would like to have more control sometimes. I definitely couldn't say I'd become submissive or any shit like that, but I could give this a go and see if it helped me get over some of my baggage.

"Come on then," I said, rolling my eyes like this would be some chore and in some part, I knew it would be with Saint in charge, but I was game if he was.

I'd promised to love Tatum with all I was and give her all I had to give, so I was going to stick to those vows.

"Let's go get changed for a swim then," Saint suggested and I followed him as he grabbed his laptop and led the way out of the room, back through the house to the bedroom we'd been staying in.

There were plenty of rooms here for all of us to have one each, but since that first night, we'd just kept sleeping in the one bed. I’d gotten Tatum for one night when Aunt Jada was here – who I was still mind fucked over being Rebecca – but they’d all moved straight back in when we’d heard she’d gone home. The bed was almost big enough and I guessed that while so much shit was going on, we preferred to stick together like that. But I had to wonder if we'd go back to sleeping in our own beds with Tatum rotating between them or not long term. I guessed for now