“We always forget that back in the day, the QB was a stunner.”
“That’s true. She was. Well, Project Charlie is sure resurrecting her.”
“That’s good to hear,” I said. “So how’s it going between you and Charlie?”
“That is a much harder question to answer. It’s like, the overwhelming majority of drag queens I’m meeting are one hundred percent gay. But Charlie says he just wants to be a female impersonator. Gay’s cool, though. Listen, whatever Charlie decides he is becoming, I’m still going to love him. In fact, there’s an old female impersonator here, Suzanne Velour is her stage name, who’s taken a shine to Momma and flatters her so much that Momma’s sort of smitten with her. Suzanne bought Momma’s drinks all night last night. And the night before.”
Suzanne Velour was approximately the same age and girth as Momma. They acted like they’d known each other all their lives. In fact, anyone who knew Momma at all might say they’d never seen her so compatible with someone.
“Momma doesn’t drink,” Holly said.
“Well, honey, she was knocking back mimosas like she grew up on champagne. Anyway, I imagine at her age she’d be happy with a platonic relationship. And, here’s the thing, I suspect I’m headed down that road with Charlie, you know, that maybe our job here is to help him step out of the closet with his dignity and his relationship with us intact. If that is what he wants.”
“And if you have a full understanding of the lifestyle, and see it for what it really is, that then you won’t judge him?”
“That and more. I don’t think Charlie wants to see our relationship sour and get bitter. And he’s working really hard for that not to happen.”
“You’re not going to know what’s cooking in his head until he does, so you may as well relax and try to have fun,” she said.
“You know what?” I said. “You’re right! Last night we went to the Miss Behave Game Show, which was so hilarious I thought we’d die, and then tomorrow we’ve got a reservation at the Drag Supper Club. And we’re wait-listed for tickets to Divas Las Vegas. I’ll tell you, Holly, this crazy world of drag queens and female impersonators and the whole lot of them is a universe unto itself. It’s fantasy and drama and humor all rolled into one. And it’s super fun. At least, as a spectator, so far.”
She said, “Send pictures!”
I promised I would, and we hung up.
And as day rolled into night, there was plenty to photograph. Sometime in the afternoon, Suzanne Velour called Charlie to speak to Momma. They had just arrived home with an astounding amount of shopping bags.
“What?” Momma said. “She wants to talk to me?”
She dropped all her bags on the floor.
“You need your own cell phone, Momma,” I said.
She took Charlie’s phone and I heard Momma say, “What? Italy? But I don’t have a passport! Oh! Oh! I see! You had me going for a minute, Suzanne. Yes, I think we can be ready by eight. That was my new friend, Suzanne. She’s taking us all out tonight. She said we should get gussied up. What does getting gussied up mean in Las Vegas?”
“It means, get fancy!” I said. “I’ll do your makeup, if you’d like.”
“Well, someone had better take over for me. All I’ve got is a bottle of Oil of Olay and a Chapstick,” she said. “But I have those Eileen Fisher black silk pajama pants with the tunic. Maybe we can dress that up.”
“Oh, Momma,” Charlie said. “Don’t you worry! We’re going to have you looking like a queen!”
“That’s what Holly and I call her, you know,” I said.
“That’s right,” she said. “You girls!”
“Actually, Momma, we call you the QB, for queen bee.”
“I’ve heard you two mumble it,” she said, obviously pleased instead of irked. “I think I kind of like that name! Although I have a very small kingdom with very few minions.”
“Well, you’ve got us and Holly, and I’d say that’s not a bad start,” Charlie said. “Now let’s get you dressed!”
“Charlie?” I said, with some trepidation. “Are you going out tonight as Charlie or Charlene?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “Do you have a preference?”
“Why don’t you try Charlene?” Momma said.
Please someone come and get my dead body off the floor.
“Because if Suzanne shows up in drag then we’re just having a girls’ night out!” the now and forever QB said.