“Okay. Thanks. And I know you’re not a horny bastard. You’re not even close.”
The silence that follows is brief. Waiting. Expectant.
If I don’t say something now, he’s going to ask, and I don’t want to disappoint him again. So after clearing my throat, I begin. “It’s not anything big. Why I got upset, I mean.”
“It doesn’t have to be big. I want to hear it anyway.” He slowly strokes a hand down my hair and my back.
“I just... I don’t know. Giving that toast. Thinking about that day when she climbed the tree to get me. And how we’ve been all each other has for so long. We’ve always taken care of each other. And now... Now...” I could cry again. I feel it rising in my chest. My throat.
“Now it’s different,” he says softly. His hand has stilled on the small of my back.
“Yes. And I know it’s so selfish for me to feel that way. To not want to share her with anyone else. Because I know she’s happy. And Pop is... I mean, he’s kind of bossy and old-fashioned, but he seems decent and he loves her. She loves him. She deserves that after having such a hard life. But it feels like everything is changing. Like she’s being taken away from me. When my whole life has been shaped around... around...”
“Taking care of her.” It’s not a question. He already knows the answer. I have no idea when he got to know me so well, but he does. Better than anyone in the world.
In the world.
There’s no one else—not even my mom—I’d share these personal feelings with.
“Yes. I mean, it’s not that I don’t think she’ll be there to take care of me. I know she’ll still do everything she can. But it feels like I won’t be able to take care of her anymore, which leaves me...”
“With nothing.”
I nod against his chest. “Yes.”
“But you know that’s not true, right?”
“What?” I lift my head to check his expression. Since my eyes have adjusted, I can see that his face is soft and sober at the same time.
“It’s not true. You’ve got a lot more in your life than taking care of her.”
I relax back into his arm. “Yes. I know. It just feels like the foundation has been shaken. Like my life might not quite hold together now. I know it’s irrational, but that’s how I feel.”
He’s quiet for a while. He’s stroking my hair again. “It will be different. When someone gets married, it always is.”
“I know.” I let out a long sigh. “I know.”
“But it doesn’t have to feel like a loss. You’ll still have her. And you’ll have other things to shape your life around instead.”
“Like what?” Maybe I sound kind of mournful. I really can’t help it.
“Like your brilliance. Your talent. Your work. You’ll land on a new project that really inspires you, and you’ll pour yourself into it. You know you will. And you’ve got more in your life than that. You’ve got these people here who really seem to like you and want to make you part of their family. You’ve got Steve and your other friends. You’ve got...”
I pick up my head again to meet his eyes. “I’ve got what?”
He gives a sheepish little shrug. “You’ve got me.”
My mouth tilts into a silly smile. “I’ve got you? My fake husband who provides services with sufficient remuneration?”
He laughs and leans up to kiss me. “Yes. Exactly. How many other women can make such a claim?”
Giggling, I squeeze him in a little hug. “No one else. I’d bet money that no one else could say that.”
“So that’s something, right? You’ve got plenty in your life, and if you want more, we can work on that.” He makes a short, throaty sound and rewords. “You can work on that. I know it’s going to change, but change doesn’t have to be bad. Your mother is a grown woman. And the truth is she hasn’t always needed you to take care of her the way you do. You can love her and still let her go.”
I nod since I know he’s telling me the truth. Even if I didn’t feel it, I’d know it because it’s the same thing that Steve and my therapist have told me multiple times. “I don’t like to let things go,” I admit in a small voice.
He kisses my lips again. Then one of my cheekbones. Then a spot just above my ear.