And Bob.” She shook her head. “He loved her more than I’d even realized. More than she realized, which is just another part of this tragedy. And you, you were so angry. You stayed angry for years. I think you’re still angry about it.” She laid a hand on top of my hand, gently unpeeling my fingers from their crushing grip on the fabric of my sweatpants.
How had I forgotten about that? I’d been attributing my anger to Bob and my mother for sending me away, to Eric for not fighting for me and for cheating on me. But I had been angry before any of that happened, hadn’t I?
My grades had been in the toilet, and I’d been in and out of the principal’s office constantly. The only thing that had made me happy was Eric. And then that had been taken away from me. I couldn’t blame myself for ignoring my mother’s pain at the time. Like she’d said, I’d been a kid. But in all the years since, I hadn’t spared much thought for how much she had to have been hurting. Eric had, I bet.
“Bob and I talked about it, after the incident with you and Eric.”
“It wasn’t an ‘incident,’ mom,” I interrupted. “We were dating.”
“I know. I know now. But we both thought a break would be good for you. He did a lot of research on schools, you know. He thought that one was a good fit. You’d always wanted to go to California. We were wrong. I know. But, baby, all you had to do was talk to us. All you had to do was come home.”
To my horror, I felt tears stinging my eyelids. A part of the foundation of my life was being torn down. I’d told myself the story of being kicked out so often that I couldn’t quite rewrite the story yet. It was going to take some time. Had I done this to myself?
“Oh, honey.” My mother squeezed my hand, tears sliding from her eyes. “I am so, so sorry that I hurt you. By why stay away for so long? Why didn’t you talk to me?”
God, I almost didn’t know anymore. Every excuse I’d had, all the righteous anger I’d hoarded like a dragon sitting on a pile of gold, was starting to feel like a lie. I guess when one was a professional liar, it shouldn’t be a surprise to find out you’d been lying to yourself.
My mother handed me my cup of coffee. With a weak smile, I took it. “I did come back,” I said eventually, finding a spark of justified anger. “Christmas, remember?”
“Of course, I remember the last time I saw my son in person,” she said plainly.
I winced. “Yes, well. Eric…I found out he’d been cheating on me.”
“Oh, honey.”
“With Ryan,” I forced out through clenched teeth.
“Fuck that guy,” she cursed, surprising a laugh out of me.
“Mom!”
“Sorry, but I just never trusted him. If Eric was cheating, and that’s a big if, I blame Ryan.”
“I don’t think cheating works that way,” I said.
“Well, I say it does. I love Eric, but the man is very easy to control,” she said.
She wasn’t wrong.
Maureen motioned for the donut box so I handed it over to her. Opening it, she studied her choices as if it were a matter of life or death. “Okay, so you thought Eric was cheating on you, and you didn’t want to see him again. But later? When Eric was gone? Why didn’t you call or visit? Even if didn’t want to see Bob, I would have met you without him.”
“I thought you were on Bob’s side,” I said. It sounded weak even to me.
“Did you really think that? Truly? That I had somehow rejected you? Look me in the eye and tell me that I wouldn't have welcomed you back with open arms.”
I couldn’t. “You would have been mad.”
“Yes, I would have. I’m mad now. People get mad at each other. Families get mad. It happens. But you work through it. You don’t hide. And you know that! It wasn’t as if we’d never been angry with each other before. Why did you really stay away?”
Goddamn it. She was going to force me to be introspective, to think about why I did things. I hated that. Why had I stayed away? I tried to think about what had really kept me from my home, what was the truth beneath the flimsy disguise of anger.