Word, if his followers now run from it, there can only be one reason: I’ve failed God.
Bea doesn’t agree. No one knows what it takes from Lev to answer to God and then to answer to His Chosen. To be all things to all of them. It’s not so much to ask they meet him in all they do and no consequence should surprise them when they don’t. If you serve God in all things, if you are dutiful and obedient as you promise to be, there is no consequence.
Lev’s hand drifts to his scars. He presses against them with his fingertips, wincing as though they’re still as raw and painful as the day his mother made them.
I have to go to Indiana, he tells her, to seek revelation.
* * *
She can’t stop Lev from sacrificing himself on his mother’s altar, but Bea is not ready to accept any of this as his failure.
When Casey accompanies Lev to the airport, Bea heads into Chapman. They all know where Rob lives; they’ve kept a close eye on him since his defection. A one-bedroom basement apartment on the bad side of town. He didn’t leave with much in his pockets.
He couldn’t have expected to.
She knocks on his door, tries to imagine trading the safe and sturdy walls of Chapman House for what she sees here. Flaking plaster, mold on the walls, water damage on the ceiling, a crack in the door. She raps her knuckles against it and waits for Rob to answer.
After a moment, he does.
He makes no case for leaving. He’s drawn, shrunk in on himself, his skin sickly pale. He doesn’t look like he’s sleeping or eating well.
He looked whole in The Project.
I never thought Lev would send you, he says.
He didn’t. I’m here on my own.
He eyes her skeptically, but he opens the door. She steps inside and it’s worse inside. There’s nothing to it, no furniture. A rolled-up yoga mat on the floor and some blankets—from where, she wonders. There’s a card table and two folding chairs in the center of the room. As they make their way to it, Bea’s eyes linger on the mess of the kitchen counter. She spots a Bible Tract with a ringed coffee stain on it. She picks it up. St. Andrew’s. She knows this church. Her parents are buried in its cemetery. She eyes Rob, holding up the tract, a question in her eyes.
He knows how Lev feels about church.
Rob has no patience for the things she’s not willing to say.
What do you want, Bea?
She sits across from him at the card table. He is too big for it and she is just small enough. She reaches for his hands, wrapping them in her own.
Come home.
His lip trembles and he closes his eyes and Bea holds her breath. It can’t be that easy but part of her believes that it should be. After a long moment, he opens his eyes and says: No.
Your family misses you, Rob. Lev misses you. I miss you.
I—He chokes, presses his lips together, and shakes his head. A flush of anger wells up inside her; she doesn’t understand. He says, I want everything back. I want everything back that I gave to him in the name of the Word. I want my things, I want my money, I want my—He can’t seem to finish the sentence, the things he wants becoming less easy to define, impossible to return. But The Project does not take what one is not willing to give.
You would betray Lev like this? He did everything for you—
Lev betrayed me.
Lev loves you.
Rob stands abruptly, ripping his hands from hers.
That’s not love.
Then what is it?
He opens and closes his mouth several times before clenching his teeth and moaning through them. He presses his knuckles against his head, then his fingers drift through his hair, pulling at it, her question at the forefront of the war he’s waging against himself.
It scares Bea.
She keeps herself very still.
He lets out a sob.
It’s not love, he finally whispers. It’s not love. In one swift movement he’s in front of her, his hands on the arms of her chair. Look at me and tell me it’s love. He leans closer, his breath sour on her face. Tell me it’s love, Bea.
It has only ever been Lev’s love. And how badly and how far Rob has fallen in such a short amount of time is proof of this.