shortly with a tray of tequila and limes, and good old Gretel downs hers effortlessly, licking the salt and munching the citrus, the very definition of fun fun fun – aren’t I such fucking fun?
We order more cocktails. I’m able to afford a round as Joshua paid for my meal. It costs seventy pounds. I check my phone while I wait for the cocktails to be made.
Better Out Than In
Charlotte: Welcome to the group, April! How are those endorphins treating you?
April: WHY DOESN’T LIFE ALWAYS FEEL THIS WAY?
Hazel: We have a convert.
Hazel: Oh my God, my butt.
Hazel: Why did I kick so very hard? Must. Stop. Imagining. His. Face.
Charlotte: The whole point is to imagine his face.
Hazel: Shouldn’t I be over it by now?
Charlotte: Yes, set a time limit on your trauma recovery. Very helpful.
I wish I didn’t have to return to the table. I’d rather go home, shower properly, get into my pyjamas and spend all night sending messages to these women. I contemplate just leaving – vanishing – once again thinking I should just end whatever the hell this mess is that I’ve started. The need for revenge has quietened since just one boxing class. Carol must really be onto something. Yet I find myself staying put and carrying the tray of drinks back from the bar. ‘Ta-daaa!’ I say, plonking the tray down. Everyone thanks me, plucking their drinks off it, before returning their attention to Neil who’s waxing lyrical about something or other. I settle next to Josh, who pats my knee, and take a sip of my drink.
I’m a little bit more than tipsy actually and finding it hard to sit up straight on my stool. I try to tune back into the group’s frequency – leaning forward to hear what Neil’s saying.
‘Did you see it in the news? It’s getting ridiculous. You can’t say anything if you’re a man these days. It’s a complete witch hunt.’
My ears prickle. I sit up a bit straighter. I turn to Joshua who’s holding his head up with bunched fists under his chin. He’s blinking blearily, but nodding.
‘I loved him in Under the Apple Tree,’ Julia adds. ‘And he’s such a nice man. He’s clearly so in love with his wife.’
A very determined chill settles across my skin as I realise who and what they’re talking about. I’ve been trying to avoid it in the news but it’s almost impossible. It’s everywhere. A famous actor’s been saying that the sexism backlash in Hollywood has gone too far. That some women have overreacted to minor incidents and the climate of fear is affecting how films are made. The phrase he’s coined that’s caused all the upset is ‘rape spectrum’.
‘I mean, I totally agree with what he’s saying. Why is there such a backlash?’ Neil continues. He leans forward, his strong arms bulging out as he re-postures. He speaks with the confidence of someone who’s never feared for his safety before.
The table nod their heads heavily, giving him further confidence to continue as my stomach curdles with newly-arrived bile. ‘Having your arse pinched is not the same as being, like, violently raped.’ He throws his hands up. ‘Where’s the controversy?’
My feet are on the ground because I’m standing up. I didn’t mean to stand up, but it appears to be happening. My mouth is open, with words tumbling out of it.
‘Pray tell me,’ I’m saying, loudly, sourly, ‘what a non-violent rape is please, Neil? I’d love to hear.’
The energy switches within a millisecond. The table falls quiet. Mouths drop open. A tightness encompasses the group. Portcullises shut down. Neil and I size each other up and I put on a smile, like I’m asking the question innocently. A child who doesn’t know the answer: ‘What does Santa Claus do in the summertime? Why can’t I go to bed as late as I want? Why do I have to eat my main course before I’m allowed my pudding? What’s a non-violent rape? Can I have a cookie?’
Joshua stiffens next to me. He and Neil share the smallest of looks. My malfunction is loud and aggressive and inappropriate and ruining everything. I should be panicking now. Trying to stuff myself back into my box, folding in my limbs like a rag doll at the end of her children’s TV show. Quietening myself, making it easy, smiling and nodding because it will make for an easier hour now, even though I won’t be able to sleep for the rage I’ll feel later. Gretel