them in a way that protects you. ‘And remember the most important lesson of all: have fun with it. Let it all out.’
‘Do you want to punch first?’ Peroxide Girl asks.
‘I feel like I need to know your name first.’
‘Charlotte. And yours?’
I pause for a second before answering. ‘Er, April.’
‘That’s a lovely name.’
‘Thank you.’
She leads me to the corner, sensing my newbie embarrassment. The room’s filled with the grunts of punches and the thwack of received hits. ‘Right, so I’m going to hold the pads up here like this, OK? We’ll do twelve reps in each position. Then we can swap over. Don’t worry. I’ll go easy on you since you’re new.’ I nod and she holds the pads up to her chest. ‘Right, go on.’
I throw a feeble punch, followed by another not much better. It’s hard to get over the initial discomfort of punching someone, anyone, even though they’re encouraging you to.
‘Come on, you can go much harder than that. These pads are totally absorbing.’
I attack her meekly for a few more reps before I gain enough confidence to go harder. Spurred on by her enthusiasm, I turn up the power until she’s lungeing to absorb me, grinning like I’m her child who just won a school prize or something. Fist connects with padding. Flexed foot connects with a block. My smile connects with a stranger’s. I swipe and attack until there’s no oxygen left in my lungs, and then we switch over. I can tell she’s not giving it her all as she lays into me, but it feels fine.
When we’re both sweaty, giddy messes, the instructor calls it quits. We return the equipment to the corner, everyone smiling, everyone moist, everyone friendly.
‘Right ladies,’ she claps again. ‘Game time.’
‘You’ll love this,’ Charlotte whispers. ‘It’s the best bit.’
‘Right, sit in a circle everyone. Newbies, this will be weird for two minutes, and then will be super fun. It’s just some kid-like cardio games to release any excess nervous energy before you have to face the universe again.’
We all sit inwards, cross-legged, like pass the parcel is about to begin. ‘So, this game is based on “Fishes in the Sea”, a game that you may’ve played when you were little. But we’ve changed up the words a bit, so you ladies can reclaim any negative labels you may’ve been called in the past.’ She walks around us and starts patting us, one by one, on the head. ‘Needy, crazy, nagging, desperate.’ She doles out the words like she’s allocating school teams. ‘Needy, crazy, nagging, desperate. Needy, crazy …’ She gently pats my head at ‘crazy’ and it’s the first time I’ve been called it that doesn’t make me want to instantly cry. In fact, I hear a giggle and realise it’s me. When we’ve each been allocated our word, she explains the rules. When our label is called, we have to get up and start running around the outside. Sometimes she’ll call ‘times are changing’ and we’ll have to run in the opposite direction. Sometimes she’ll call ‘when they go low’ and we have to run on our tiptoes and yell back ‘we go high’. Sometimes she’ll call ‘progress is one step forward’ and we have to run backwards. Finally, whenever she calls ‘the patriarchy’s coming’, we have to race back to our space, and the last one to sit down is out.
It’s a whole new realm of bonkers. I crane my neck around, trying to make eye contact with Charlotte to make a ‘this is crazy’ face, but she’s nodding and smiling like it’s totally normal. Everyone is.
‘Right, let’s get going. NAGGING!’
A quarter of the room full of otherwise normal-looking women stand up and start running around the circle.
After five minutes, I totally and utterly get it.
‘CRAZY!’ I’m up and I’m jogging, my heart thumping, trying to keep pace with the rest of the crazies.
‘WHEN THEY GO LOW!’ I rise up onto my tiptoes and we all laugh at how hard it is to run like that.
‘TIMES ARE A CHANGING!’ I almost twist my ankle as I spin to change direction.
‘NEEDY!’ Another quarter of the room hop up and start running with us. Every single one of us is smiling, in that free way that hurts your face. My trainers thud on the wood. My arms swing by my sides.
‘THE PATRIARCHY’S COMING!’ We all squeal and peg it back to our spots. I thrust my body forward, chuck my legs into a crossed position and land my arse