Am I pregnant? I’ve taken a pregnancy test and it says I’m not but where the hell is my period?
Message received: 11:07
I watch gay porn sometimes but I don’t think I’m gay. But maybe I am? I don’t want to have sex with a man, but does my porn mean something? Help me pls.
I pull up template answers. I write back that you should weigh up the hurt of keeping your feelings a secret against the hurt of the possible rejection and ruining of the friendship. I write that periods can be late for any number of reasons but, if they’re really worried, they should go to their GP. I reassure them that many straight men watch gay porn and your sexuality isn’t something you should feel under any pressure to define. I’m in the groove. I’m doing OK. It’s all going to be fine. Work is fine. It’s a great distraction actually. I’m glad I …
Message received: 12:02
This is a weird one but my gf is being really offish because the other morning she woke up to find me having sex with her. I thought it was a sexy way to wake her up but she said it’s made her feel a bit strange. I’m sorry cos i didn’t mean to upset her but i also think shes overreacting a bit. I wouldnt mind if she woke me up with a blowjob would i? How can i make her see that its not a big deal?
My stomach is the first to go. Like someone’s tied a tonne weight to it and then dropped it off a cliff. Then my hands start wobbling. I feel the rug being tugged out from under all my rationality. White rage pumps through my blood. With each beat of my fluttering heart, the anger pulses harder and harder and then I’m typing. Pure, putrid rage. Anger filling me from the tip of my toes up. I can’t any more. I can’t any more. Why won’t they stop? Why do they never stop? It’s not fair. How dare he? HOW DARE HE? I’m typing without thought or reason or time to get myself together. I’m done, so done. Aren’t we all done? Aren’t you? Because I am.
You are a fucking disgrace. You have RAPED someone you claim you love and now dare to be upset that she’s upset about it. Why are you all such dicks? What’s wrong with you? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? I hope you die. I hope you fucking die. Because if you did the world would be better because at least then there’d be one less of you, fucking women up and then making their pain all about you. Go die now please, you pathetic cunt of a human being. I feel so sorry for your mother.
I stand. Matt is still in his meeting.
I hit send.
Oh well. Whoops. Butterfingers!
I start giggling to myself. ‘I’m just getting some lunch.’ I smile at Katy like nothing untoward has happened. ‘Do you want me to get you anything?’
She looks up and catches my smile, beaming it back. ‘Oooh, where you going?’
‘Probably just the corner shop.’
‘If you bring me back a Twister I’ll love you forever.’ She reaches to retrieve her wallet from her bag.
‘Don’t worry about it. One Twister coming up.’
‘Thanks April, you’re a legend.’
I give her a double thumbs-up.
I feel light when I step outside into the relentlessness of the glaring sun. I laugh out loud, startling the line of tourists waiting to get into the Sherlock Holmes museum.
I’m probably going to be fired, I think, as I look up at the sky, but I don’t even care. It’s totally worth it.
I don’t get lunch. Or a Twister from the corner shop. I just walk around the park, beaming at everyone. ‘Isn’t it a lovely day?’ I say to a mother feeding the ducks with her children. She’s not sure how to reply to this uncustomary London bout of friendliness and just ignores me. But I feel better for being nicer, they can go fucking fuck themselves if they can’t be polite back. I walk off.
It’s so goddamn hot. Not even the tears that I’m now crying are cooling me down. They keep coming. Falling down my face, splashing into my dress. It’s quite an accomplishment to cry and walk at the same time – requires real determination – but I’m pulling it off. My feet hurt in my