Malcolm’s again tonight? I thought Friday night were our nights.
Megan: I love it when you message me when we’re both in the same flat. Yes. Sorry! I’ll be back Sunday. Have you seen my pink lacy knickers? Argh! Staying at a boy’s house is so stressful!
April: Sorry. On the loo. Why don’t you have him come stay here then?
Megan: Bring him here? Are you kidding me? I can’t bring him here.
April: Why not?
Megan: Because he’ll see how I live!
April: What’s wrong with how you live? PS: We need toilet roll.
Megan: It’s a flat. I don’t want him to know I live in a flat. He lives in a house. A proper one. With its own door, April. It’s own door! In Dulwich. He has a garden. A front door and a garden.
April: We have a front door …
Megan: Yeah that we have to SHARE with people. I can’t let him know that I share a front door. He might be the love of my life. It will all go out the window if he knows I share a door.
Megan: I’ve never felt this way about anyone before …
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Message received: 13:17
hi my friend steve walked me home the other night because i was too drunk and he said he wanted to make sure i got home safe but then he came into my house and pushed me to have sex with him and then acted like nothing had happened the next morning had to take the morning after pill. v confused pls help
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Message received: 12:04
My uber driver raped me last night. What do I do?
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Joshua: Another great date, Gretel. You’re quite good at this, aren’t you?
Gretel: What can I say? You bring out the best in me.
Joshua: I could say the same about you.
Gretel: This is too cute, I may throw up.
Joshua:
Gretel: Did you just heart eyes emoji me?
Joshua:
Gretel: Ever heard of playing it cool, Joshua?
Joshua: Ever heard of taking it easy on a guy, Gretel?
Gretel:
Joshua: The modern equivalent of a sonnet.
*
Megan: Hey hon. OK, so this sounds crazy, but I looked up his ex-girlfriend and is she prettier than me?
Megan: There’s this photo here. I like her dress, but she looks a bit old, right?
Megan: And then there’s this one. She looks better in this one. I am prettier, right?
Megan: Right?
Megan: Sorry. I’ll stop being mental now. I’ve deleted Facebook off my phone and I’m working really hard on this launch party. I’m fine! Sorry! Ignore me. Silly moment.
Megan: How about in this photo?
Megan: I put Facebook back on my phone.
Megan: Sorry. No more being crazy. Phew! I’m going to concentrate on my CAREER and this launch I’m in charge of and stop worrying about some stupid bitch called Regina who looks like she’s got chew and spit disorder.
Megan: OK. But in that last photo? Botox, right?
*
Joshua: Morning Gretel! Happy Thursday! It’s the weekend tomorrow. Whoop! I was just thinking, how about we remove animals from our dating agenda and add in a roof? Fancy coming around to mine tomorrow? I’ll actually cook, rather than just arrange pots of things.
Gretel: Sounds great. Can I bring anything?
Joshua: Just your gorgeous self. 7?
Gretel: Can’t wait x
On our third date, Joshua pulled out all the stops for the picnic. He brought a folded blanket, a cold bottle of prosecco, a giant assortment of chilled foodstuffs from M&S and a melted Viennetta in a seeping box which I laughed at. He kissed me the moment I rocked up to St James’s Park station, with tongue, just to reaffirm that we’d already crossed this sexual boundary and were going to continue to do so. The conversation flowed as easily as the alcohol. He’s a funny man. He’s easy to talk to. Effortless and bubbly and also very happy to talk about himself, which Gretel let him do of course. We made out in front of the pelicans. I let him kiss me and stare at me with the hope and wonder you can only have in the very early days before you really know anything about someone.
‘Maybe, this time; maybe she is different’, I could imagine him thinking.
He was better at kissing when less drunk. Less tongue. It was not unpleasant. I fancy the guy. I’ll admit that. I fancy the guy. But I also have no heart left to give him, and, even if I did, that is not why I’m doing this. We talked about his job some more and how he feels frustrated with the current management structure. We talked about his