Tube, the red brick of the posh flats blurring past me, thinking how atrocious it is to be running when it’s this hot. I collapse onto a train and wipe the sweat off the bits of me it’s appropriate to wipe in public. The carriage roars into the tunnel and is swallowed by darkness, and it’s only then that I think of Joshua and of his invitation.
I read back the message. It still makes me smile.
Gretel hits the ‘reply’ button.
Gretel: Sure, why not?
Joshua suggests he and Gretel meet on Tuesday, but Gretel can’t do Tuesday, even though she can. In fact, Gretel switches her drinks with her university friend, Vicky, to Tuesday so now she’s not even lying about being busy, she is just actually busy, being so bloody great at living life. Gretel suggests Thursday instead, because it’s important she show Joshua that she is interested in meeting him. She doesn’t want to put him off just yet, but he also needs to know how busy and great she is. Joshua suggests they go out for cocktails at this place he knows. She says sure. Thursday it is. Cocktails it is. Can we make it six thirty instead of six because I have a thing? It’s not real, she just needs him to know she’s the sort of girl who has things.
? Test One – Gretel’s Guide to First Dates
* * *
First dates are nerve-wracking, so it’s totally natural to be nervous. Just don’t show your nerves, all right? That will put them off. Meet somewhere fun to show off how fun you are because you really want them to see you’re fun. Dinner is a bit too formal. A cinema is not right because you can’t talk to one another, and you won’t be able to entrance him with all your eyelash fluttering and hiding the more negative parts of your personality. Maybe a casual drink? But somewhere interesting. You know what? It’s sort of better if you let him decide where you go. Remember, it’s the first date, you have to be casual.
Of course you should make an effort with your appearance, but don’t make it obvious you’ve made too much effort. Not too sexy, not too prudish. Remember – channel Goldilocks. Stay in the middle of the sexy spectrum. Stay in the middle of every spectrum. Be as bland as you fucking can to trick him into wanting to spend more time with you. With all that said, it’s really important on a first date to keep the bland chat interesting. The important thing about first-date conversation is that it should be breezy but also create an emotional connection. Dodge the dreaded ‘small talk’ and ask him deeper questions like ‘why?’, and follow that with more ‘whys?’. He will start opening up and he’ll associate the emotional connection with you. If he asks you questions, it’s your chance to show him how cool, and busy, and interesting, and kick-ass, yet sensitive you are. Mention how much you want to travel to Africa and that you’re thinking of booking a ticket soon. All men want to be with a girl who wants to go to Africa. Don’t mention exes. Ever. I mean, duh. Yes, you are both single in your thirties so that means, without a doubt, that somewhere along the line for both of you some shit has gone seriously, painfully, wrong, but now is not the time to acknowledge that elephant in the room! So, keep it light and pretend you want to go to Africa. If you really want to go to Africa, even better! Remember not to swear and steer away from contentious subjects like politics or art or your emotional responses to life’s hardships. Keep it positive!
Oh, if you’re going somewhere to eat, make sure you don’t order salad. Men don’t want to spend the rest of their lives with someone who orders fucking salad. Order whatever you like because you’re strong and independent and don’t care what anyone thinks, just don’t order salad; even if you’re in the mood for salad and that’s genuinely what you feel like eating, don’t eat it, OK?
When the bill comes, make sure you offer to split it because this is modern life. But, also, if he wants to pay it, then let him so he’s not emasculated. You can pay on the next date – but we’re getting ahead of ourselves. This is still only the first date here. You’re not on the second yet,