‘There, there. He isn’t worth it. You can do so much better.’
I lurch up. ‘I don’t want to do better, that’s the point! I’m prepared to settle! I’m thirty fucking three. I’m not expecting fucking … fucking … Gaston to turn up at my door.’
Her whole face quivers with laughter.
‘Stop it!’
‘Who ever wanted to date Gaston?’
‘You know what I mean. I’m so confused,’ I say, huddling my legs up, my voice flat. ‘I thought it was going so well. I’m mental. I’m actually mental. There must be something seriously wrong with me.’
‘No,’ Megan replies firmly, continuing a steady pat of my leg. ‘There’s something seriously wrong with men. Men don’t deserve women. How many times do I have to tell you?’
I pick up one of Megan’s scatter cushions and bury my face in it. ‘If only I’d just been more chilled out.’
‘You mean, if only you’d had sex you didn’t feel comfortable having, you’d have “won” a relationship?’
‘Yes,’ I mutter into the Laura Ashley.
‘And you really want to be with someone who doesn’t respect your sexual boundaries?’
‘But isn’t it fair enough to want sex in the doggy position? No wonder he freaked out. That’s pretty vanilla! I’m too weird and difficult and no man will ever want me because I’m a mental, high-maintenance FREAK!’ More tears arrive.
Megan reaches over. ‘Not into the Laura Ashley,’ she says gently, which makes me laugh-cry. ‘Look, the right guy, well, not even the right guy, but a guy with any decency could’ve handled you not wanting to get hardcore doggy-styled the first time you slept with them. That’s quite extreme for a first time. You’re not a freak! I mean, if anything, it was just bad manners.’
‘And I can have sex from behind,’ I say. ‘I can even enjoy it. I just need to feel safe first. Not have it happen right away.’
‘Exactly. That’s totally healthy considering what happened. Simon is just an insensitive, selfish, dick. If he really wanted a true relationship, which means liking someone for who they are, he wouldn’t have just freaked out and used it as an excuse. I mean I can’t believe you told him about … you know, and he just blanked it.’
‘I don’t blame him. I wish I could just blank it.’ I wipe under my eyes, and use the back of my hand to clear up the snot. ‘I keep torturing myself with this imaginary woman called Gretel,’ I say, more tears falling. ‘She’s based on this girl I worked with years ago, just after I graduated. I only knew her a few months, but every man in the office was obsessed with her. She was really confident and sexy and sure of herself. She had this cool fringe and managed to get Glastonbury tickets every year because she “knew someone”.’ I shake my head. ‘All the men in our office fell in love with her, and she kind of got off on the power she had … Now, whenever I’m feeling insecure, I always compare myself to this weird made-up version of her and feel crap. Gretel has sex from behind and loves it. She’s brilliant at sex. Nothing fazes Gretel. She’s easy-going and laughs all the time, and spends her life going on adventures. No man who dates her ever gets over her. She’s never needy or insecure or jealous and therefore she’s rewarded by the pick of all the men in the universe.’
Megan crosses her arms. ‘She sounds like a right dick.’
‘Oh my God, she was a total dick. All the women in the office hated her.’
‘She’s also NOT REAL,’ Megan bellows, leaning into my hair. ‘There is literally no woman out there who doesn’t have insecurities about something. Gretel sounds like a sociopath, if you ask me. Both the real one and your imaginary one. All these men falling for her would’ve realised she was just as fucked up as the rest of us eventually.’ She reaches out and puts a hand on my shoulder. ‘There’s nothing wrong with you, April,’ she says quietly. ‘Nothing. I mean, you’re not perfect, no one is, but you can’t torture yourself with this idea that other women are more chilled out, because they’re not. Also, who wants the pick of all the men in the universe? Men are terrible!’
I hug my knees to my chest. ‘But so many women seem to be in happy relationships,’ I protest.
‘Seem to be.’ Megan gestures out like a magician’s assistant. ‘There you have it. God