out of there without waking him. I wiggle like Houdini until I’ve dislodged him and his affection and spend a good amount of time looking at Old Faithful, my crack in the ceiling. I watch him sleep, changing my mind about him every five minutes:
Look at his sleeping face. He really is quite handsome. I can’t believe this man has chosen me. I want to touch his face, I want to kiss him, I want to be next to this face forever.
Then:
I can’t believe you’ve just fallen a-fucking-sleep when you didn’t wash up. I knew this would happen. I hope you don’t snore because I have work tomorrow and I don’t want to be tired. I just want to be alone. I wish I could vanish you away so I can be alone in my bed, without your body here confusing me.
I can’t take it any more. I heave myself out of bed, holding my head as if that will stop it whirring so hard, shake on a dressing gown and pad out into the darkness of the flat. I can still hear Joshua’s heavy breathing whistling through my door, so I gently push it shut. And it’s just me again, April. I look at the dirty table, sigh, and get to work collecting the plates up and taking them to the sink.
I’m elbow deep in Fairy Liquid bubbles when I hear the scrape of Megan’s key in the lock.
‘I’m still up,’ I stage whisper. ‘Hey. How did it go?’
I twist to see her putting her bag down on the sofa, a tired wilt to her body. As she steps towards the kitchen, moonlight from the front window highlights her perfectly made-up face and hair – though there’s a touch of ‘end-of-the-night’ to the look.
‘Really well,’ she says, sinking into the sofa. ‘Thank God.’
‘Amazing! I knew you’d smash it! You want a glass of wine? I’ve got some leftover.’
‘Please.’
I shake off my soap-suddy hands and pour out the rest of the merlot that Joshua brought round. I hand her a glass before plonking myself next to her. ‘So, tell me all about it.’
She takes a deep slurp before replying. ‘It all went seamlessly. Right up to the last minute, of course. There was a terrible moment when we thought the flowers weren’t going to arrive. Or Cara Delevingne. But then it all came together. Cara turned up with all her friends, which is a bonus, means we’ll definitely get press coverage tomorrow. Everyone loved the line. They’ve sold out of the heart necklace ALREADY online.’
I reach over and grab her foot. ‘Megs! This is amazing! I’m so proud.’
‘I know, thank you. Our CEO was so chuffed. She said “well done Megan” as I was leaving, and, from her, that’s like the biggest thumbs-up ever. Hopefully this will really help my promotion next year …’ But she’s not looking at me, and she’s not glowing with pride like she should be. She’s staring into her merlot instead.
‘What? What is it?’
Megan shakes her head with her eyes closed. ‘Sorry. I’m being stupid.’
‘No. What is it? What happened?’
She puts her glass down on our messy coffee table and wipes under her eyes.
‘Megan?’
‘Sorry …’ she’s crying. ‘I’m an idiot. I just … it went so well, and I worked so hard, and I should’ve been buzzing, you know?’
‘I know, I know. You’re amazing. What is it?’
She shakes her head again. ‘But I couldn’t enjoy the evening, April. I know it’s pathetic, but I kept thinking about him. Even though I meant nothing to him, I kept … it sounds stupid … but I kept thinking maybe he’d turn up to support me, as a surprise? Make a grand declaration or something? And I kept imagining him seeing me in the press photos in tomorrow’s Metro and realising his true feelings … Then I realised I’m insane and pathetic, and I just got really sad. It was one of the best nights of my career, and I couldn’t enjoy it, couldn’t get lost in the moment, because I liked a man and he didn’t like me back.’ She snuffles and wipes her eyes again. ‘I’m such a loser.’
‘You’re not!’
‘I am.’ She puts her face into her palms, and wipes them back over her hair. When she looks up, her make-up is smeared in two lines from her eyes to her ears. She smiles meekly. ‘I’m going to get help,’ she says. ‘First thing tomorrow. I’m booking an appointment. I know I told you you need