hand shaking a little with the excitement, and he knew that he couldn’t even possibly suggest…
So he didn’t.
* * *
They moved to Philly, found a row house east of Center City. Philly was rough, even downtown. Brian didn’t mind. Fact was he liked the idea of protecting Becks and the baby. The man of the house. He’d been in a couple of fights over the years, held his own. He handled the house, the cooking. Becks studied for the bar exam and worked. Her belly got big. She wasn’t one of those women who loved being pregnant or thought it was super sexy. Sometime during the second trimester their sex life went practically to zero, which came as a shock. Every morning Brian felt the pressure squeezing him a little more, five months, four months… He looked in the mirror and asked himself, You ready for this? To be a father? The answer that always came back was, I don’t know.
Which he couldn’t say to Becks. Because he could already see she always knew. Or if she didn’t she didn’t tell anyone, not even him. Maybe not even herself. He followed her lead, acted all practical. They went shopping for clothes, got the apartment ready. He didn’t think she had any idea about his doubts. Becks was smart, but she wasn’t super-intuitive. He saw why she liked law school, cases to memorize, rules to follow. Why she liked the FBI. Pick a side, white hat or black.
Even into the third trimester the firm didn’t give her much of a break. Sometimes Brian thought they were working her harder, like they were pissed she’d tricked them into hiring her when she was pregnant. He worked freelance, building websites. Finding jobs was tough. He could code a decent-looking site, but he didn’t like having to sell himself to some guy who owned a pizza place. He tried to psych himself up, tell him it was like walking into a bar and walking out with a girl. Only it wasn’t.
Becks said, What about a law firm, a bank? He wasn’t ready to go corporate. Besides, he came through with a couple of jobs a month, so it wasn’t like he wasn’t helping. And he figured once the baby came, her parents would help out. They’d want to, right? A new grandkid, the two of them just starting out?
But no. Her parents came for a week after Rebecca had the baby and then disappeared. Bought them a changing table and a car seat, sure. But didn’t even leave fifty bucks to cover the takeout they ordered. Rebecca’s dad giving him the fisheye the whole time. Brian had gotten along good with her mom from the get-go. Dad, not so much. He was always dropping not-so-subtle hints that Brian wasn’t good enough for his darling Rebecca, asking when Brian planned to get a job full-time. Like he’d ever done an honest day’s work in his life. Fucking poet.
Anyway, it didn’t matter because they had Kira now. And to his everlasting surprise Brian loved that little girl from her first minute on the planet. Of course, taking care of her was as exhausting as everyone had told them. But he knew she needed him—that she couldn’t survive without him. He’d never felt so necessary before, and for the first time in his life the thought of being needed came as a blessing, not a burden. Plus, the reality, he was more natural with her than Becks was. Funny, considering she was the one who’d wanted the baby.
Becks loved Kira, sure. She cuddled, breast-fed, changed diapers. She did all the right things, and she did them with her usual skill and efficiency. But Brian could tell she was itching to go back to the office. Not because she wanted to move up at the firm. She hadn’t changed her plan to apply to the FBI. No, she just thought being a stay-at-home mom was a waste of her time. Even if she never quite said so.
Not Brian. He liked nothing more than to make Kira giggle, whisper foolishness in her ears, rock her to sleep while he made up nonsense rhymes. Even before Rebecca’s leave officially ended, he was taking care of her most days, while Rebecca snuck back to the office to pick up memos to read at home.
Plus, yeah, they needed her salary. They both knew it. Even in his best month coding, he hadn’t made half as much as she did.