conversation thus far, a young man with the look of a rural schoolteacher, sneers. ‘Those are one of the two magic items all venal officials never leave home without. They're called Viagra.’ ‘What's Viagra?’ The young fellow smiles. ‘Selling Viagra in front of the Wutong Temple is as foolish as reading the Three Character Classic in front of a Confucius Temple.’ ‘Big Brother Lan,’ a bald fellow says conspiratorially as he hands a small white vial to Lan Laoda, ‘this is something I brought back from the US as a humble gift for you.’ Lan Laoda takes the vial. ‘What is it?’ ‘It's more effective than any Indian Magic Oil or Thai Invigorates,’ the bald fellow replies. ‘A golden spear never tips over, they say.’ ‘What am I supposed to do with something like this?’ Lan Laoda says as he throws the vial to the ground. ‘I can go non-stop for two hours,’ he boasts. ‘Go home and ask that sister-in-law of yours how many times she came. I can make a stone maiden go wet.’ ‘Big Brother Lan is an immortal,’ pipes up a red-faced man, ‘who does as he pleases, comes and goes at will, the last man who needs something like that.’ The bald fellow picks up the vial and tucks it away. ‘If you really don't want it, Big Brother,’ he says, ‘I'll put it to good use.’ ‘Take it easy, Baldy,’ warns the red-faced man. ‘Too much of that can make you nearsighted.’ Baldy doesn't miss a beat. ‘Nearsighted? I don't care if they made me blind.’ A desk clock in the corner chimes two, and a pale-faced woman comes into the main room followed by a trio of tall young women. ‘They're here, Mr Lan,’ she says softly. The young women, faces devoid of expression, follow their leader into the bedroom. ‘Showtime,’ announces Lan Laoda. ‘Anyone want to watch?’ ‘Who wouldn't want to watch the finest show in town?’ laughs Baldy. ‘You're all welcome,’ says Lao Lan, also laughing, ‘no tickets necessary.’ Then he steps into the bedroom and, in a matter of minutes, come the sound of flesh pounding flesh and a woman's moans. Baldy tiptoes to the bedroom door and peeks inside. ‘That isn't a man in there,’ he says to the red-faced fellow, ‘that's the legendary Wutong Spirit!’
I snuck into the kitchen and sat on my low stool. Huang Biao, attentive as always, set the taller stool in front of me. ‘What would you like, Director Luo?’ he asked, fawning.
‘What do you have today?’
‘Pork rump, beef tenderloin, sheep leg, dog cheek.’
‘I need to keep my wits about me today, so none of those.’ I twitched my nose. ‘Got any donkey? Donkey always gives me a clear head.’
‘But…’
‘But what?’ That did not please me. ‘You can pull the wool over my eyes but you can't pull it over my nose. I smelt donkey the minute I walked in.’
‘There's no putting anything over you,’ Huang Biao said. ‘I do have donkey, but it's for Boss Lan. He's entertaining some VIPs from the municipal government tonight.’
‘Donkey? For the VIPs? Is it that little black donkey over from South Mountain?’
‘Yes. Meat so good I could eat half a pound of it myself—raw.’
‘And you plan to give it to those men? What a waste!’ I was beside myself. ‘Cook up a couple of chunks of camel. Their mouths and tongues will be so numb from liquor and cigarettes that they won't be able to tell the difference.’
‘But Boss Lan will…’
‘Take him aside and tell him you fed the donkey to Xiaotong. He won't mind.’ I was not interested in making things easy for Huang Biao.
‘I'm not happy about feeding this meat to those louts either. I'd rather feed it to that dog in the doorway.’
‘Is that snide comment meant for me?’
‘Oh, no,’ Huang Biao rushed to his own defence. ‘You could give me two more gonads and I still wouldn't have the balls to do that. Besides, we've been friends for a long time. And the only reason I've been able to keep my job here is because I've got you, a gourmand, to back me up. My cooking skills have not gone to waste if they've managed to make you happy. Just watching you eat meat—I'm not just saying this—is a true pleasure, more satisfying than embracing my wife in bed—’
‘Enough sweet talk,’ I said impatiently. ‘Bring out the donkey meat.’ I loved being flattered but I didn't want to show it. I couldn't let