to my family. My parents are obsessed with my brother and his big fancy job in London and I’m just an afterthought to everybody, if I even cross their fucking minds. Which I highly doubt.”
“That’s not true.” I met his parents once and they seemed to really love their son. Appearances can be deceiving, I know that. But my gut says that TJ’s parents would fly into a panic if they knew what their son was considering doing right now.
TJ stiffens. He shifts his feet and I instinctively brace myself for the worst. But then he rights himself, and I’m so dizzyingly relieved that I nearly lose bladder function and pee my pants.
I have literally not moved an inch since I climbed up here. I’m a statue on this ledge. It’s two feet wide, so it’s not like my toes are dangling over the edge, but I feel like I’m balancing on a paper clip.
“Why didn’t you ever talk to me about any of this? Feeling ignored by your parents, feeling inferior to your brother, feeling like you wanted to…” Die. I don’t say it out loud. I bite hard on the inside of my cheek. “You know I would’ve been there for you. Why didn’t you ask for help?”
“Why did you pick him?” he says instead of addressing my question.
“It wasn’t a matter of picking.” I sigh wearily. “It’s not like you and Hunter were both there in front of me and I needed to choose between you. He and I were friends, and it just developed into something more—”
“You and I are friends—why didn’t we develop into something more?” Hurt and betrayal darken his eyes.
Fuck, that was the wrong thing to say. “I don’t know,” I say simply. “Chalk it up to chemistry, I guess. I have chemistry with him.”
“And not with me?”
What do I do now? Lie? Get his hopes up just to get him off this ledge?
But that feels disingenuous and cruel. Also, I think he’ll be able to see through me. I don’t have romantic feelings for TJ. I never have.
I decide to be honest, because that’s who I am. “I don’t feel any sexual chemistry with you,” I admit. “I think you’re attractive—”
“Bullshit,” he spits.
“I do,” I insist. “ You have the kindest eyes, and a great butt.”
He hesitates, as if trying to assess whether I’m lying.
“But I also objectively think Liam Hemsworth is gorgeous and I have no desire to sleep with him. I can’t explain chemistry. Some people have it, and some don’t.”
“Chemistry,” he echoes. Pain twists his features. “Why don’t I have it with anybody?”
“Can I hazard a guess?”
He gives me a sharp look.
“You just said that for the past three years you’ve been waiting for me to break up with Nico. Stands to reason, then, that you haven’t been putting yourself out there. In almost three years, you’ve only gone on one date, as far as I know—the sorority sister I set you up with. If you’re closed off to the potential of dating anyone, you’re not going to find anyone.”
“I’m not closed off.” But he sounds unconvinced.
The wind rustles my hair again, and shivers break out at the nape of my neck and scurry down my spine like rats fleeing a sinking ship. I wish I could flee, too. It’s so cold up here. But I’m not leaving this roof without TJ. I’ll stand up here all night if I have to.
“Yes, you were,” I tell him. “And I get it, okay? Pining over a girl with a boyfriend sucks. Even worse, it means you’re not giving out the vibes you should be transmitting. You wasted almost three years, TJ. But, and here’s the good part, you still have a year and a half left of college. You’ve got plenty of time to put yourself out there.”
“I’m done putting myself out there,” he argues. “Not after you.”
I swallow my frustration. It doesn’t seem to occur to him that he never actually put himself on the line for me, never once expressed his emotions to me—he just stood there passively waiting for me to notice that he had a crush on me. I guess that was easier for him than putting his feelings out there.
But why didn’t I notice, dammit? Misery crawls up my throat as I think back to all the times Nico, and even Hunter, told me that TJ liked me. I didn’t see it.