this Josh. I don’t know if I can keep pushing this aside and burying it deep inside me. I think I’m going to fall hard into a black hole that I won’t be able to crawl out of.”
“Norah, I will never let you fall. I will always pick you up. Don’t let this ruin you.” Josh seemed so composed, so strong. His only worry was me, and making sure I was alright. Josh crawled onto my bed to sit beside me.
“Josh, please hold me,” I pleaded, as I lay in a fetal position. Josh and I had hugged before, but not on a bed, spooning. He laid down next to me, pulling my body in against his. Josh’s arm rested on my stomach and his head on my shoulder. His body holding onto mine was exactly what I needed to find some calm and to slow the rapid pain building in my head. He tightened his grip around my body as he pulled me closer to him. The boundaries where we kept our friendship at arm’s length were pulled down, and now our friendship had moved into something much more emotional, deep and connected.
The lines had started to blur.
Chapter 18
Warehouse
~ ~ ~
I emptied my backpack so the rounds fell to my feet and onto the ground, in the old dilapidated warehouse. The ground was bare but covered with dirt. As I looked down, I thought about how the ground was just like my life, covered in filth. I kicked the ground at my feet, and a small cloud of dust whipped up and around my shoes. I stared at the dust taking over my feet, like the way the lies had taken over my heart, and I dropped to my knees, and began to sob. The tears fell steadily from my face and hit the dusty, dirty ground, making it look spotted. How fitting was this? I was in a place covered in grime which felt cleaner than the turmoil in my head. The darkness in me would stay forever.
Why does this keep happening to me. WHY?
I scrunched up my hands that were resting on the filthy ground, and then I screamed. I screamed so loud and for as long as my lungs would allow me to do so. I screamed for the love I had just lost with Clint, and the pain I would always feel because of it, and I screamed because my body craved release in any way I could manage.
I began to feel light-headed from all the screaming, so I just shut my mouth and started to inhale deep, life-giving breaths back into my body through my nose. As if I was on autopilot, I moved one of my hands over to my backpack, and pulled out my Glock. I cradled it in my arms as I tried to breathe, trying to let oxygen find its way through my body to keep me moving, as if I still had a heart. I grabbed one of the rounds and loaded it into the weapon, and then I took aim on one of the many glass windows on the ceiling of the warehouse, but then my hands flinched and I turned the barrel to my face so I could stare head-on at the weapon. One pull of the trigger and I would never have to think about my pain or all these lies ever again. I could be with my mother in peace. My fingers twitched even more at the idea of eternal serenity. Such temptation in the thought that this could all be over if I just pulled a little tighter.
My mother must have been there with me, because I felt a hand resting on my shoulder. Was it a sign? Should I do it? I wanted to be with her so badly. I had had enough. I had reached my limit. I was weary of my father’s world, the Lappell, the heartbreak, the lies and the pain that would haunt me for an eternity and more. Nothing felt real any more. Everything felt wrong. Nothing felt right.
The hand on my shoulder tightened. The feeling suddenly made me calmer and I released my finger from the trigger. “Norah, put the gun down.” In that instant I dropped the weapon. The voice brought my head out of the clouds and back to earth and to what I was doing. I opened my eyes and looked up to see green ones staring back at me. Compassionate and always so