My voice was low as I said it. I couldn’t continue this conversation any more. Of course Josh knew I was lying. He was the person who knew me the best in the world. He knew how to ground me, he knew how to make me laugh, and he also knew when I was completely hiding from something I couldn’t talk about. My shame about how I was feeling would be plastered all over my face, and Josh would easily be able to see it.
“No, I’m sorry Norah.” Josh placed one of his hands on top of mine. “I know you came over to see me this morning to talk about something important. I don’t want us to lose what we have because things are changing.”
At least Josh can voice what is going on without forcing me to say it. I looked at his hand on mine. It was soft and tender and if Josh wasn’t my best friend, I would have pulled it away, but I left it there, enjoying his touch, rationalizing he was just being a supportive friend trying to talk to me, and that it was OK to let him keep holding it.
The little voice in my head knew better though, and red flags were popping up all around us.
“It’s OK Josh, it’s not a good idea. I really shouldn’t talk to you about this.”
His thumb began to do little circles on my skin. The sensation sent tingles through my whole body. “Didn’t we promise each other we’d always be best friends, and that we can tell each other anything?”
I looked at him, wondering if we could really go back to how things were. We had been fools to think that our kiss wouldn’t change things, but clearly it had, and as much as I was playing with fire, I didn’t want to drift from Josh. I wanted, no; I needed him in my life. I had to try and do my best to ignore these lustful emotions and find a way to get Josh back into the friend zone. I owed it to our friendship to try harder and do my best to get things back to normal. I knew the only way to get some normality back for us was to treat him as I had always treated Josh, specifically, as my confidant. I could do this, I could shift our budding romantic feelings back to a safe space where my head didn’t try to mentally undress him.
Yes I can, yes I can, yes I can.
I think I can.
“OK. I will talk to you, tell you what’s wrong,” I said, withdrawing my hand, trying to stay strong with what I had just decided. I can do this.
Before I could start this conversation, I had to go get the first piece of my problem. Josh watched me as I got up and walked down the hallway and to my spare bedroom. I returned a minute later with a piece of paper in my hand.
“So, first there is this.” I handed Josh the piece of paper. He opened it, read it, and then looked at me for more clarification.
“From Samuel?” he asked.
I nodded.
“When did you get it?”
“It was left in my apartment on graduation night. I know he is trying to tell me something about Clint, but I don’t know what. I think he was hoping I would find out on my own. Do you have any idea what it could mean?”
Josh looked at the piece of paper for what felt like forever and shook his head. “Why don’t you just ask Clint about it?”
I sighed in frustration. “Because I’m not about to start a war. It would only enrage him further. Plus, I don’t want it to look like I don’t trust him.” I knew that sounded stupid and I really should have just spoken to Clint, but given our past and how we originally got together, I knew there was a possibility this note could mean something more. It wouldn’t be the first time I was side-swiped by Clint. I had forgiven him for not telling me the reason we got together in the first place was because the Lappell had assigned him to try and convince me to join them. When Josh had told me the truth about Clint, I was gutted. I did not seeing it coming. Yes, I had forgiven Clint once before, but I had not forgotten what he was capable of.
“Isn’t holding on to this piece of paper, obsessing