The Perfect Lie (The Perfect Stranger #3) - Charlotte Byrd Page 0,46
and disappointed with their childhood and that's how they start their adulthood. It took me a really long time to understand this. As you know, your grandmother was not much of a mother and that's why I struggled as I did. I turned to men. I turned to drugs. I turned to alcohol. I turned to gambling. I turned to all of these things because I was seeking a way out. This is one of the reasons why I had you so young. I thought that I was in love and I thought that we would be together forever. We were for many years and you know how that turned out.”
I feel the gulp form in the back of my throat. I've never heard my mom talk like this and I don't know how to respond.
“Your dad made mistakes, but don't be angry with him. We were both still just children trying to make our way in the world. We didn't have parents to love us unconditionally and always be there for us. We didn't have anyone to say good job and to support us and to be proud of us. The thing is that it's that kind of stuff that's the most important for kids. They don't care about money or things. They just want you to be there. They just want you to say that you love them and that you are proud of them.”
While my mom speaks, I start to see her in a whole new light. She's never spoken to me this way.
She has never reflected on her life and she has never been so self-aware of her own mistakes and limitations.
Deep down inside, I knew some of these things, but not all. Of course, I had no idea that she was capable of so much self-reflection.
I want to tell her that she was a great mom anyway, but that would be a lie. So instead I wrap my arms around her and tell her that I love her.
When we pull away, both of our eyes are full of mist.
Neither of us says anything for a while and we just sit here in the moment. It's hard to explain how close I feel to my mom right now.
It's almost like she actually understands everything that I have gone through as a result of growing up with her.
I don't know if that means that she has changed, but for now, this is enough. More than enough.
“Libby must be a great mom,” I say. “Her kids look really cute.”
“Yes, I know that she is. She was always so good with you.”
“Yeah, I remember.”
“You do?”
I nod.
“Good,” Mom says. “I'm glad that you have those memories.”
Mom doesn't bring up going to see Libby again, but I think about it. Libby was never a bad influence even though she lived in that area.
She was more like the reliable one in the group that everyone used to take care of their kids. Still, the idea of driving over to Sharpsburg makes my chest tighten.
“I'm still not sure about going over there,” I say. “It's nothing against Libby, but I just don't think it's a good idea.”
27
Isabelle
Later this afternoon, I check the mail and spot an envelope with the word urgent on the front. It's bright red and looks like a stamp. It’s from one of four student loan servicing companies.
I went to one university, but I have four companies that I have to write checks to. My student loans had been sold off by the university a long time ago and then resold and resold.
On a few occasions, I had no idea who was even responsible for two of my loans and I had to go online to search for the companies that had bought those loans.
Private companies that buy student loans make money on them, first for buying them for pennies on the dollar and second for collecting all of the interest.
I have no idea how long it will be before I am fully paid off, but I'll probably be in my forties or maybe fifties. I have over a hundred thousand dollars in payments, but I would not have this career if I hadn’t gotten this degree.
I open the envelope with a heavy heart. I can barely force my fingers underneath the envelope flap to rip it open. I need to know what it says, but I don't want to face the reality of the situation. When I pull out the letter, I see that I am two payments behind.