“Did you love me?”
Mona snapped her mouth shut, a hint of what looked like terror playing behind her eyes. Her lips parted, and she took several gulping breaths, making me think she was preparing herself to say something difficult.
I decided I didn’t want to hear the answer, whatever it was, and guessed, “You regret it.”
“I do,” she agreed immediately.
My eyelids lowered and I flexed my jaw once, twice, absorbing the blunt force of her honesty, not understanding why her response had hurt as badly as it did. “Okay.”
“No. Not okay. That’s not what I—I mean, I do regret what happened. I regret so much, but I didn’t have a choice, did I? I couldn’t not—I couldn’t let Lisa down.”
“You could have told me.”
“Really?” She sounded both curious and disbelieving. “Really? You would’ve forgiven me for lying to you? You wouldn’t have told Leo, or my parents about Lisa? You would’ve lied too?”
“Yes! You ask for forgiveness, I give it!” I answered honestly, because such was the idiocy of my devotion to this woman at the time. Blind. Senseless. Without reservation. “I thought I loved you. I was crazy about you. I wanted nothing but to make you happy.”
New tears sprang where the old ones had dried and she pressed her lips together more firmly, working to subdue the unsteadiness of her chin.
“I was an idiot,” I said.
She flinched. And then she struggled to swallow, still wincing, like my latest words had a lasting, painful effect.
I wasn’t finished. “I regret it. No one falls in love with another person in six days, that’s stupid. I was stupid and naïve, trusting. Soft.” I spat this last word, despising her for not understanding the importance of it.
Mona reached out, as though she might touch me, so I backed away. She used the hand she’d lifted to cover her mouth, her eyes following me, turning as I walked to the door.
I opened it, but I couldn’t leave without making one more thing perfectly clear. “Don’t worry, Mona. I have no more illusions. I’m not in love with you, because I never really was. I know now, you are no more that woman than your sister is.”
8
Introduction to Quantum Physics
*Abram*
“Has anyone actually seen Mona? Since she and her friend arrived?” Charlie spun a drumstick between his fingers, the movement absentminded as he shifted his eyes from me to Kaitlyn, to Ruthie, and then back to me.
Ruthie shook her head and Kaitlyn reached for another of my lyric notebooks, setting it on her lap. Sitting in the large room on the main floor, we were going through my old notebooks with the band, looking for lyrics to pair with her recent compositions. Since the partners/husbands/wives/significant others were delayed—including Kaitlyn’s fiancé Martin and Ruthie’s girlfriend Maxine—we’d decided to make the best of it.