But if he did know? And he hated me?
I can’t think about that. If I think about that, I’ll start making snow angels and never go inside the house.
The several minutes that followed were a blur, mostly because I’d spent them in my happy planetarium, gazing at the stars, blanketing my awareness with the sparseness and peacefulness and darkness of space. I remembered walking into the house with my brother. I remembered there being a lot of people. I remembered making an effort to look at each of them as they were introduced, but I couldn’t quite bring myself to shake anyone’s hand.
And then we went up the stairs and I sat on the window seat while Leo and Allyn spoke in hushed tones. Sometime later, Leo left. Sometime after that, Melvin arrived with the bags, but he also left.
Now it was just Allyn, me, and all these horrible feelings. Horrible feelings were the third, fourth, and fifth beings in the room, making the large room feel crowded, suffocating, uninvited guests on what was supposed to be my vacation.
“Did something happen, between you and Abram Fletcher, after Leo and I left?” Allyn’s question had me looking at her sharply.
“Fletcher? Who?”
Her gaze was steady, patient. “Abram Fletcher. The guy who went down to help Melvin?”
A strange buzzing sounded between my ears. Abram Fletcher. Fletcher. Why did that name sound so familiar?
“Mona?”
I squinted at her. “You know who he is?”
“Yes.” She shook her head at me, a small movement. “Of course.”
“Of course?”
“Don’t you know who he is?”
I thought about how to answer that question and decided there was no right answer that would encapsulate the enormity of the truth, so I settled on, “Why don’t you tell me who you think he is?”
“He’s Abram Fletcher, lead singer and guitarist—bass guitar, I think—for Redburn.”
“Redburn?” Redburn? As in Herman Melville’s fourth book?
“Yes.” Allyn laughed, making a face like she thought I was funny. “Redburn, the band? Haven’t you heard ‘Hold a Grudge’?”
“Hold a grudge?” The question arrived sounding more like a breath than words, and my right hand drifted to my chest.
“Yeah, Mona. Where have you been? It’s been playing everywhere for weeks. You can’t go into a coffee shop without hearing his album.”