“Hypothetically, what if I told you that I’ve been lying to you every day, this whole week, about something important. You say you love me, but would you forgive me?”
I stopped nodding. “Have you?”
She remained silent, her eyes now narrowed, searching. “You wouldn’t forgive me, would you?”
“I don’t know!” I exploded, not understanding her or why she was doing this. “You haven’t told me what it is. Fuck, Lisa. I don’t even know what we’re talking about.”
“Forget it.” She gave her head a small shake, her eyes dropping to the kitchen floor.
She looked exhausted and sad, and seeing her this way should’ve made me want to break all her unspoken rules about touching. I should’ve wanted to hold her, but I didn’t. If this had been yesterday, I would’ve promised to forgive her anything and everything, and I would’ve meant it.
But now? I had no clarity. Making promises now would be a lie, and I never lied. If she’d been seeing Tyler this whole week while spending time with me, falling for her, I wouldn’t forgive her. It wasn’t in me. I would despise her.
Clearing my throat, I grit my teeth to keep from yelling again. “Forget what? What should I forget?”
“Forget me. You don’t love me. You might think you do, but you don’t.” She sounded tired, but also as though she were trying her best to be compassionate, gentle. “Believe me, you’ll get over this—whatever it is—so fast, I’ll be a blip, a nothing. Seriously, forget it. You don’t want to know me. I promise you, you don’t.”
“So you keep saying.” I pushed back against a creeping numbness climbing up my ribs, stalling, needing a way to fix this.
“Then what’s the problem? Why don’t you believe me? I’m messed up, okay? I don’t know who I am.” Like a switch, her mood and manner turned exasperated. “I don’t know what I want. I’m all fucked up. I am telling you the truth, but you refuse to believe me!”
In a huff, she turned and stomped to the back stairs.
“I don’t understand what’s happening,” I called after her, another unplanned statement of my thoughts.
She stopped on the third step, turning halfway, giving me just her profile.
I walked to the bottom of the stairs, not seeing her or anything else, but wading through a general sense of everything crumbling to dust, a barren landscape.
“What changed? Between last night and this morning, what changed? What did I do wrong?”
Lisa swallowed, shaking her head. “I’m two different people, Abram.” She pulled her sleeves down to cover her hands, turning completely away and crossing her arms. “I’m the person I want to be and the person I currently am, and if my parents disown me, I feel like I’ll sink to the bottom of the ocean and drown. I feel like it’ll be the end of the world.” Initially her voice had been strong and steady, but it grew quieter and quieter as she spoke.
I stared at the back of her head, working through my own bitterness and this trail of crumbs she was leaving. I couldn’t believe what she was saying. I couldn’t believe this was the same person I’d spent the last week with. But there she was, looking just the same.
I’d thought her trust was a beautiful thing. I thought her values unbendable. But now? I couldn’t see what had been right in front of me the whole time, I’d been blind to the truth: she had no trust in me, maybe not in anyone.