Over the Darkened Landscape - By Derryl Murphy Page 0,8
of the scar, but it is obvious that cosmetic surgery has been used to enlarge his chin.
Blond curls poke out from underneath the hat, and Sergeant Do-Rite’s voice also sounds funny. Like he forces it from his throat or something.
“Squad! Join me in singing ‘Rose Marie’! And that’s no request, mister!”
His singing voice is really quite lovely.
Foster Hewitt13 Rolls Over in the Broadcast Booth
(Excerpts from New-Net TV Guide, week of June 26)
Saturday 6:00 P.M. CBC (PAY): Hockey Night in Canada Double Header. Los Angeles Kings vs. Louisiana Acadians. Montreal Levesques14 vs. Oklahoma Oilers.
Sunday 2:00 p.m. TSN215/ESPN6: CFL16 pre-season. Austin Stampeders17 vs. Poughkeepsie Stallions. A rematch of last year’s Grey Cup.
Sunday 9:00 p.m. BBC International3: The Antiques Road Show18. This venerable show continues its visit to Canada with a visit to the former Alberta Legislature.
Monday 5:00 p.m. CBC (PAY): The New Front Page Challenge19. Mystery guest this week; former BCTV20 Host Michael J. Fox21.
Tuesday 9:00 p.m. Global22: Jerry Lewis Comedy Fest and Retrospective.
Wednesday 8:00 p.m. CBC (PAY): Wayne and Shuster23 Retrospective.
How’s It Goin’, Eh?
Large groups of youths now wander the streets, day and night. All wear toques24 and earmuffs and green army surplus jackets, drinking from the new-style, stubbie, beer bottles. Miller Canadian25 is the most popular brand. Moosehead26 ranks a close second.
As with other trends today, this does not crop up in one city and then slowly spread cross-country. Everyone is online, patched-in, wired and wigged. A trend one day is a tidal wave the same day.
They call themselves “Hosers.” Over fifty networks pick up reruns of the long-forgotten SCTV27, formerly relegated to late-night status on an obscure cable channel called TVO28. TVO responds by playing Strange Brew29 24-hours a day. The Ontario government, holed up in their offices now for over thirty years without talking, responds by finding a document that claims they own TVO. A takeover ensues.
After the initial shock of finding that they still have a provincial government, the people of Ontario (well, okay, Metro Toronto, but the rest of the province really doesn’t count) let their anger, pent-up over years of mismanagement and no management, explode. Riots unlike anything ever seen are dragged into the living rooms of millions of Canadians, and for thirty seconds every half-hour into the homes of Americans.
Troops are called in, but soon decide that they want to side with the “Hosers” and everyone else. The government resorts to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, but image deals with Disney and years of training for the Musical Ride30 and singing Hollywood classics leaves them ill-prepared to deal with actual fighting.
One casualty is suffered by the Mounties before they decide to withdraw: Sergeant Do-Rite’s jaw is broken. He returns home a disgraced and dejected man after finding that Nell has left him for a Rich Little31 impersonator.
Louis Louis
The Assembly of First Nations announces that they have successfully created a clone of Louis Riel32. And while they were going to wait until he grew up before they made their move, now seems to be the appropriate time.
The Prime Minister, full of bluster, says that “We hanged the bastard once, and we can hang him again!” The press gallery falls in love all over again with this man. Their belief that he had slowly succumbed to the boredom of the job and that they would never again be offered another interesting quote is shot down with this one line.
Tabloids the world over bring interest in Riel to new heights. And in schools across Canada, Hangman becomes a very popular game.
Natives and Métis across the nation declare their independence. The crisis deepens.
Nothing Binary About 101
Old animosities still lingering, the government of the Republic of Québec offers financial aid to the native and Métis secessionists, as well as hinting at military assistance. Some tense moments pass by on the border between Ontario and Québec after an older gentleman sneaks across and erects and English-only No Parking sign in retaliation, but soon fall to the side when the Québecois troops are recalled to deal with native unrest in their own land.
Reforming 181233
The Prime Minister panics. After consultations with his ministers, he does the only thing he can think of. The phone call is not unexpected. Troops move across the border, officially as a measure of concern to protect American citizens. Resistance, except for in a few rare pockets, does not last. The troops stay. The tourists leave, and do not come back.
* * *
1 Wreck Beach is the nude beach in Vancouver, British Columbia. A popular place.