“Actually I wish you would, just so I’m sure I’ll fit in my wedding dress. But I don’t think you will, will you?”
“Cass, it’s time for me to stand on my own two feet and deal with this shit by myself. You’re already too caught up in it as it is. There are times I hate how in tune we are and that you get all that garbage in your head, too.”
She grabbed his arm and yanked him to a stop so she could face him. He bent over gasping for air while she looked like they’d just been for a stroll.
“I’m not. My connection to you is one of the best things about my life. I don’t want to hear you talk crap about it. Yes, right now there’s some not so fun stuff happening in your head, but it’s happening mainly to you. I just barely get a taste of the god-awful things going on in there.”
Her forehead creased with concern and the compassion showing through her eyes shattered him.
“I hate that. I hate that it’s happened and continues to torture you. I hate that I can’t make it stop. I hate that I can’t take the pain away. But I love you and I want to be here for you. If our connection makes it easier to understand what you’re going through then, hell yes, I’m thankful for it.”
She trembled with the force of her emotion.
He pulled her in for a quick hug, thankful she was in his corner. “Okay, calm down, Rambo. I didn’t mean to get you so worked up. I’m fine. Come on let’s finish our run. I still have a few more boxes to pack.”
* * *
Julie washed her hands and looked down at the flour-covered piece of marble. Her sight blurred as tears filled her eyes. Only 4:46 AM and already crying again. She blew out a frustrated sigh, getting angry with herself. She needed to suck it up.
Aaron had bought her this huge marble piece for her bread-making. He used to love it when she was in the kitchen cooking. He would come in and wrap his strong arms around her waist, saying that since her hands were busy, he was free to take advantage. In his world, her cooking was a win-win for him. Would he have resented the fact she was making bread for another man?
She shook her head, angry with herself for starting the day off on a sad note…again. Of course he wouldn’t. She was being an idiot. Aaron had been too nice a guy. He would have pushed her to get on with her life. He never would have been bothered by the fact that she was using his gift to make food for another guy.
Aaron never knew that when they met, she’d been mourning Chris’s death. A death that didn’t actually happen. They didn’t find out Chris was still alive until six months later and by then, she was already committed to dating Aaron.
And now Aaron was the one dead, murdered by a sniper’s bullet simply because he knew her and her friends. He’d gotten caught up in a Mexican Mafia vendetta against her friend, Penelope.
The guilt crippled her. Aaron had deserved so much better. He’d been such an incredible guy. The tears rolled silently down her cheeks as she wrapped her hands protectively around her middle. So much guilt. Guilt over Aaron. And now Chris was moving next door and she was using Aaron’s beautiful piece of marble to make Chris a welcome to the neighborhood gift.
It was all so wrong. But she knew Aaron wouldn’t appreciate her wallowing like this. She was stronger than this and she shouldn’t dishonor his memory by letting her mix of grief and guilt win. He’d died over a month ago. It was time for the waterworks to stop. Starting now. She wiped the tears off her cheeks and stood up, pushing her shoulders back.
She had Cassie’s wedding details to finalize, a breakfast to make, patients who needed her, and students to teach. Her life was full and there was plenty to keep her busy. She was strong and could do this. One step at a time. One day at a time.
She read over her chocolate babka recipe as she worked to flatten the dough and then glanced at the clock. It would still be warm when Chris and their friends arrived to start moving him into the townhouse next door.