more complicated when he took into account how it had made him feel when they’d touched him. When they’d kissed him and made him fly. Did he merely like that high? Would it feel the same if someone else kissed him?
He almost felt guilty thinking it, but the thought wouldn’t go away. What if he was confusing romantic feelings and sexual attraction? Did genuine friendship plus sexual attraction equal love, or was there some kind of extra element he was missing? He’d have to find out because he had to be absolutely certain that he loved them before he could commit to anything. The thought left him a little sad. “I think Maz deserves a chance as well, Lucan. I’m willing to let him try now and see how he does.”
And when Lucan and Maz both laughed, he pushed away the troubling thoughts and focused on the present.
12
Palani would have thought that two weeks after coming back from the dead—he couldn’t call it a near-death experience because he hadn’t been near dead but dead dead and then alive alive, both witnessed and confirmed by Enar—he’d be able to let it go, but he couldn’t. The nightmares where he woke up screaming because he’d dreamed of being buried six feet under were horrific, and they weren’t letting up. It would take time was all anyone could offer, and of course they were right, but that didn’t mean Palani had to like it.
Not that he complained too much. He didn’t dare. Not only was it totally petty after not dying, but it was also ungrateful toward the powers that had brought him back. One didn’t complain after rising from the dead. Yes, the nightmares were abhorrent, but his first thought after waking up was always that he was alive, so he’d take it.
He’d slowly resumed his tasks, with Bray and Kean still assisting him wherever and whenever he needed their help. Enar was watching him like a hawk, constantly checking him for any possible symptoms the tumor was back, and he didn’t allow Palani to work as much as he’d done before. He was on a strict schedule that included three meals a day, healthy food, and plenty of breaks—like the one he was taking now, sitting under a tree in the shade.
Daily naps were a thing now, and even though he didn’t feel like he needed them, he acquiesced because Enar did. And honestly, spending an hour in bed with Enar every afternoon wasn’t a hardship, even if it consisted more of cuddling and talking than anything else. Though Palani had managed to rope Enar into a mutually satisfactory blow job session the day before, when they’d sixty-nined each other into an explosive release.
“Do you have a moment?” Bray interrupted his wandering mind, and Palani looked up at the alpha standing a few feet from him.
“Sure. What’s up?”
Bray lowered his big frame on the grass next to him. “I saw the list of names for the second pack.”
Palani nodded. “Your father is doing the loyalty ceremony tomorrow, and then we’re up and running.”
“I noticed Maz’s and Lucan’s names were on there.”
“If you don’t want your brother to leave, you’ll have to take it up with him. He’s a grown-ass man.”
Bray shook his head. “That’s not it. I understand he needs some space. Can’t blame him for that. I wouldn’t have minded leaving, but—”
He stopped talking, but Palani had no trouble finishing his thought. “Let me guess. Kean didn’t want to.”
“No. He’s not leaving your side.”
Palani winced. “I’m sorry. I can talk to him if you want?”
“No, please don’t. He’s right, and Ruari doesn’t want to leave either. He likes the childcare system he, Vieno, and Sven have set up. I know it’s the right decision to stay here, in this pack.”
Palani studied him for a moment. The proud alpha had changed so much, more than anyone else on the ranch. And it was that thought that helped him realize where Bray’s pain lay. “If not for Kean, we would’ve chosen you to lead the second pack,” he said quietly.
Bray shot up his head, his brown eyes piercing as if he tried to determine the veracity of Palani’s words. “Yeah?”
Palani put a warm hand on his knee. “You were our first choice, Bray, and we know you would’ve done great. No doubt about it. But I couldn’t bear the idea of not having Kean near me, even if he’d been only miles away. He’s…I need him in a way that’s hard to