Obsessed (The Protectors #13) - Sloane Kennedy Page 0,65
Matias would be a trigger for Ryan since he’d been there the night Blake had attacked my family, but Ryan hadn't seemed to recognize Matias on movie night. Tonight had been the same.
As I stood just outside of Ryan's door to make sure I didn't hear him calling out for me, my body began to shake violently. All the fear and confusion and hurt came roaring back in an instant. I was tempted to go back into Ryan's room and lie down next to him just so I would know he was safe, but I knew that would just confuse my little boy. He was finally getting back to the point where he was feeling more and more comfortable being away from me, and I didn't want to jeopardize that in any kind of way. The mere fact that he'd been willing to attend his friend’s birthday party was proof that his meetings with the child psychologist were helping.
But now it was all at risk because Matias hadn't been up front with me. In truth, I still didn't even really understand what was happening. I knew it was something I would have to talk to him about in more detail, but the ordeal of going to Declan Barretti’s home and thinking that Matias was dead somewhere only to have him walk through the door like he'd never been gone had worn me out mentally and emotionally. Then he’d had the audacity to let me start apologizing to him for having dared google his name out of concern.
I pulled in a deep breath and tried to get control of my runaway emotions. I was eager to talk to Elliot to make sure he was okay, but without my phone, I was out of luck. The reality was that Ronan was right. I needed to wait until Elliot was back in Seattle before talking to him about what was going on. My son had called me a few days earlier to tell me that he was flying with Cruz to Miami so Cruz could say goodbye to his dying father. Knowing what I knew about the relationship both Cruz and Matias had with their father, I knew it would be an emotional time for Cruz. He would need all of Elliot’s attention to deal with what was happening.
I took one last peek into Ryan's room to make sure he was okay and then I made my way to my own room. I was beyond exhausted, but more than anything, I needed to release some of the pent-up emotion inside of me. I'd had panic attacks when I'd been younger, so I knew what the telltale signs were, including the increased breathing and the chest pains.
Once in my room, I bypassed my inviting bed and hurried to the bathroom. I got the water in the shower going and quickly undressed. Once I was standing beneath the spray of hot water, I tried to go through the normal motions of washing my hair, but as soon as I lifted my hands, my body decided enough was enough. I couldn't hold back the sob that burst from my throat. I covered my mouth with my hand to try to stifle the sound as much as I could. It was doubtful that Ryan would hear me, but I didn't want to risk waking him.
My breakdown wasn't pretty. By the time the tears finally stopped flowing, I was sitting on my ass in the corner of my shower. I had my arms wrapped around my knees, my face buried against them to muffle any noise I made. The water no longer felt hot, but fortunately it wasn't ice cold yet. Even when it got to that point, I doubted I'd be able to do anything. My body felt too heavy to move.
Why had Matias done this to me? Why had I done it to myself? I'd spent the years after Mac's death learning to rely only on myself. There hadn't been any choice. It'd been a lonely existence at times, but at least I'd been the one in control of what was happening to me. Now, everything felt out of control. And all because I'd allowed myself to fall for a guy who'd been off-limits to me in every kind of way.
I could feel the tears threatening to start up all over again. Luckily, the water chose that moment to start turning cold, so I had the incentive I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself.