Num8ers - By Rachel Ward Page 0,97

do this. It’s the only way.”

But he didn’t get it. He was still hung up on hearts and flowers.

“It doesn’t have to end like this, Jem. We can be together now.” His words were so seductive — he was the only person in the world who knew what to say to me, what I really wanted to hear.

I started to cry.

“You want that, too, don’t you, Jem? I know you do. You can’t tell me that none of it meant anything to you, can you? Please don’t tell me that….” He was crying, too, now.

I can’t stand men crying. It’s wrong, isn’t it? Their faces aren’t made for it, they kind of crumple; it’s painful to watch.

He was close now, so close to me. If he reached out one of his long arms, he’d be able to grab me. I didn’t want that — I needed to go through with this — it was the most important thing I would ever do.

Three…two… and yet, and yet, to feel him again, to feel his arms around me, just for one last time — that sweet thought held me back.

“Wait, please wait a minute.”

“I’ve got to do it, Spider. You don’t understand.” The rain was mixing with tears on my face, with the snot bubbling out of my nose.

“I don’t understand. I don’t understand, man. We had something. We can still have something. You and me, Jem.”

“No, it never happens. Happily ever after. It’s a lie, Spider. It doesn’t happen to people like us.”

He dropped down to the floor, crouched into a ball, clutching at his springy hair. He was sobbing, saying stuff at the same time. I couldn’t hear him properly. I should’ve jumped then, while he wasn’t looking, that was the time to do it, but I needed to know what he was saying. I didn’t want any loose ends.

“What is it? What is it, Spider?”

He looked up at me. “I can’t go on without you, man. There’ll be nothing left.” He got to his feet, held out his hand. “Give me your hand, Jem. Help me up.”

It’s a trick, I thought. He’s tricking me. I said nothing, did nothing.

“Why won’t you help me?” he said. “I’m coming with you.”

In one easy, fluid movement, he was up on the wall, right next to me. He tried to steady himself against the wind. “Whoa, this is awesome.” His big grin had broken out again now; he couldn’t help himself. “Look at it, man. You can see for miles. Whoo-hooh!” His whoop was whipped away on the wind.

“You’re mental. I always knew you were,” I said.

He grabbed my hand.

“Solid, man, solid. If you really want to do this, I’ll do it with you. We’ll go together. I love you, Jem. I don’t want anyone or anything else.”

Do you know what it’s like to hear those words? To hear the person you love telling you they love you, too? If you don’t now, I hope you do one day.

“I had a blast with you, Jem. These last few weeks, they’ve been the best time of my life. Don’t go without me. I love you.”

He was ready to go. We could dive off there together. His number would be right, after all, and I’d join mine with his.

And then I suddenly thought, Fuck the numbers, fuck it all. How many people meet the person they’re meant to be with? If we stayed indoors, out of harm’s way, maybe we could cheat the numbers after all. What if Karen was right, and it was all in my head — what if the numbers didn’t mean anything at all? If I ignored them, eventually they might go away. Spider and I could have our “happily ever after” ending.

“I love you, too, Spider. I can face anything with you. Let’s go inside, I’m freezing.”

He smiled at me, let go of my hand, and formed a fist. Our knuckles touched. “Safe,” he said.

“Yeah, safe.”

I bent my knees, put my hands on the tops of the stones, and slowly lowered myself back down. When I looked up, Spider was dancing along the top, easy as anything, enjoying the buzz of it, just like he’d danced on the railway sleepers the first day we’d talked, down by the canal.

“Get off there, you silly sod, you’ll break your fucking neck.”

He spun ’round to face me, big daft grin on his face, ready to jump down. Our eyes met, and we held each other’s gaze; my warmth and love for him reflected