“Jared used to sing along to every song on the radio, and he didn’t know any of the words. He’d just mumble random stuff and ruin the song for me.”
“When I was at work, Eric texted me a photo of his turd in the toilet. He couldn’t believe it came out of his … uh … backside. And he compared it to me giving birth. As if …” Kelly rolled her eyes.
That made everyone laugh, even sour-faced Rhonda cracked a smile before ending the meeting. “Time’s up. Let’s pray.”
So … we prayed.
And afterward, several women cornered me in the church foyer.
I stiffened in her embrace. You’d have thought I saved her child’s life or something heroic like that.
“For?” I returned an awkward pat on her back.
“Saying what no one else has had the courage to say.” She released me and sighed with a huge smile. And tears … yep, those were tears in her eyes.
“That my husband left dishes everywhere?”
“No, silly.” Pam grabbed my hand and squeezed it. “You told the truth.”
I didn’t tell the truth. Four people knew the truth.
Pam continued, “You weren’t afraid to share the imperfect parts of your marriage. We’ve all been so afraid to be completely honest. Of course, we miss our beloved husbands, but if we were to be honest like you, not every day was a walk in the park.” She looked right then left and lowered her voice. “Not every night ended in an orgasm. And no matter what anyone says … size matters.”
Bethanne nodded.
Craig never had size issues, but I understood where they were going.
“Speaking of size … did you happen to get a glimpse of the new guy in town?” Bethanne fanned herself with her hand in spite of the cool forty-degree day.
“New guy?” I squinted.
“The store across the street. Kaylee messaged me right before our meeting and said they just put up the sign. It’s called What Did You Expect?”
“The store is called What Did You Expect?”
“Crazy right? But … not going to lie, I’d go into it in a heartbeat just because I’d have to see if it’s what I expected.”
Fiddling with my earring, I returned an easy nod. “So what kind of store is it?”
Bethanne shrugged. “No idea. All of the windows are still covered in black paper. You’d think they’d want people to know what they plan to sell, especially with the holidays upon us. Anyway, Kaylee saw the owner coming out the front door and she took a picture.” She held out her phone and the photo of the man with a gray, slouched beanie, trimmed dark beard, and huge smile. “Kael Hendricks. That’s all I know until I get home and talk to her. Clearly, she asked his name. She’s a little nosey.”
“I hope it’s a yoga studio or maybe a cycle gym. I could use some structured exercise again.” I wrinkled my nose at my lack of exercise.
“Did you give up your membership to the All Hours Fitness?” Pam asked.
“Yeah.” I shrugged. “I’ve resorted to taking the dog on longer walks instead of enduring the poor-Elsie look that everyone gives me. Amie usually walks with me too. All Hours is just treadmills and a few elliptical machines and free weights. Nothing like yoga or cycling classes.”
“I hate that widowed sympathy look. I swear it doesn’t go away until you find someone new and everyone is convinced that you’re officially okay.”
Did I want someone new?
No.
Asking Craig for a divorce and the dull pain of my chronic unhappiness with my marriage had nothing to do with another man. It was me. I hit a point where to save “us” I would have had to let part of my soul die. Was anyone worth that? I didn’t know that answer. Maybe no one did. Maybe there was no distinguishable line between selfless and selfish—each required a sacrifice. We existed somewhere in the middle, but that middle was incredibly hard to find. Happiness wasn’t given; it was self-possessed. It had to come from within to be real.
I needed something real again.
Chapter Four
I love my husband, except when he gropes me at two in the morning.
* * *
Craig’s parents started Smith’s Specialties nearly fifty years earlier. It flourished as the go-to place for gifts and a few home decor items. However, in November and December, they made more money than the other ten months combined. Everyone went to Smith’s for gifts and specialty